Sunday, May 8, 2011

*binge, but....

i had 3025 calories total yesterday. i made myself keep track. however, i am not fasting today like i always do after i binge, instead i'm doing this. i went to sleep, woke up, had coffee, oatmeal, eggs, and now im going running, for like 2 hours. the binge is stored in my muscles as glycogen, which is the first to be burnt off during exercise, so i should be ok. i didnt weigh today, im not going to until like wednesday. im going to go run, have a protein shake, chill at my grandma's for mother's day, not eat anything while i'm there, come home eat salad, protein shake, and sleep. i will not binge today.
in other news, i saw pictures on one of my friend's facebook of the girl i used to be best friends with who was very much bulimic/anorexic. we had a horrible relationship for which i will never ever forgive myself or her for, and for which i apologize for. i saw her pictures, it doesn't look like she has lost any weight, nor has she gained any weight.
and it thrilled me? because i'm losing again, and she isn't., or she wasn't whenever the pic was taken. but instantly after i thought "haha she's the same size" i thought "omg what if she's the same size because she's still sick?" like when you throw up, unless you throw up every single meal, or eat close to nothing and only throw up binges, you aren't going to lose any weight...
she didnt look bloated, her cheeks looked normal, she looked fine, but i still cant help but wonder :/ i hope she is ok, and maybe she is the same size because she finally loves herself, or has a better distraction than an eating disorder, or something. i really hope she is ok, because telling myself she is gives me hope that ill be ok one day. maybe. :/ idk
anyways, so 3000 isnt much of a binge, but its 3x as much as im used to eating, and i had probably 2000 of it while i was actually bingeing, the rest was the normal part of the day, so im trying not to feel too bad about it. i didnt purge, even though i was literally home alone with the bathroom right there i totally wanted to and my stomach hurt really bad but one binge is better than a binge then purge then binge again, so i didnt. and i also didnt want to stretch my stomach anymore. plus, it was my first binge since the 30th of april, so i feel proud that i went 7 days without one. baby steps. my goal for may was no binges, and while im not letting this one 'slide', i will be continuing that goal for the rest of may definitely.


  1. I'm so proud of you for not purging. I know you can reach your goals. Good luck!

  2. Yeah, good job for not purging. It's a vicious cycle. And I am SO PROUD that you have reached your gw!!! Be happy!