fuck it

When I was little, I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a nurse, a vet, in the army, a singer, a writer, in a band, a model, a superstar… I was everything to jake, and I guess that is enough for me. now I have nothing. All I have are memories, something I cant even physically hold on to. I have nothing to hold onto. I don’t have jake to hold onto me, and I don’t have him to hold onto. All I really ever needed in life was peace, love, and happiness. Jake gave me all of those things and so much more. I wanted to be everything, and I was his everything, and now he is gone, so now my life has no purpose. I don’t have meaning. All my friends want to be here for me, they are all doing what they know how to do and that is to simply bew a friend. I don’t need friends. Friends cannot goive me peace love or happiness. I really do love their efforts they mean a lot to me but its not the same. Why am I breathing right now? Im in my dorm, and tomorrow when I wake up I will go to the gym. Why? To keep myself healthy. I will probably eat breakfast. Why? To keep myself healthy. Why be healthy? So I can concentrate on classes and make god grades to get a degree. Why? So I will be successful and make my family proud and bring them honor. Why? So my children will not have to suffer like I did.
Wait, I cannot have kids, because I don’t have someone to make babies with anymore. The thought of being with someone else is not even a thought, it’;s a lie. Why have kids anyway? To bring more innoxcent victims into this fucked up world? I could never do that.
So I get a degree, im rich, I help people with their shit. What good does that do me? I become a zombie like every other fucking person. I have enough money to retire. Money wont make me happy. Money will be spent on vodka trying to numb the pain so I can function as a zombie like everyone else.
Fuck it. There’s no point in being alive if im just living to die.there is no good reason not to die. I am more content when I am by myself than when I have people crawling down my throat to make sure ‘im ok’ and ‘if I need anything just let me know’ well I don’t need anything. I need jake. And hes not coming back.
I starved myself half my fucking life, and for what? I wanted to disappear, to not exist. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could have one wish it would be to die. I tried to die for so long and im still fucking here, dealing with the fucking consequences. Jake loved life, he lived his life to the fullest, he never took any opportunity for granted, and he’s gone. Poof. Do not pass go. What the fuck is wrong with me? why him and not me? why do the good people die and the rest is left to suffer and hate everything?
I wish I could crawl into a bottle of vodka and ferment and have someone drink me in and piss me out and flush me into the ocean where my existence would be scattered all across the ocean, the whole world. That wouldn’t do any good either.
Im skinny, but not skinny enough. 137, lowest ever, not low enough to cause worry.
Just you wait.
People are worrying about me now ehn I don’t need them to. Im perfectly fine right now. I hjust wanna be left alone. Just wait, I’ll show you something to fucking worry about.
I’m not done yet. I have a purpose, and right now that purpose is to die. Everyone will die at some point. So why not me? why not now? Why not when I finally step onto the scale, take a deep breath, look down, see the needle point firmly to ‘100’, and then just pass out? Why not me?
30 pounds to lose. Ive done way more than that before, so this should be easy.

hmmmm...

i want ice cream. and lots of food.
mostly carbs.
i am debating on if i want to walk or ride my bike to walmart (~1 hour walk, 30 min ride), get food, eat it, and then walk/ride back.
it's either that or binge on vegetables and oatmeal and plain rice.
hmmmmm
dilemma? it's almost 11pm so it's dark and the crazies are out :/

the difference one pound can make!

blahhh

im in one of those moods where i keep walking past the gym in my building but i don't feel like going in and i keep looking through my fridge but i don't feel like eating and so i don't know what to do...
i wish i felt like running, cuz i would go.
and then i would make tea, because my pitcher is empty.
and then i would eat a salad, because all i ate today was oatmeal.
there are two beers in my fridge, but it hasn't been long enough since i last ate to start drinking.
i only like drinking on an empty stomach.
i know if i go to the gym and workout for an hour that i would have an empty stomach so i could start drinking.
and when you drink right after exercise the alcohol kicks in faster.
i think i shall force myself to go workout now, and then work on my novel.
i must workout though, so i can be a sexy stripper :]

insomnia

hyper
went to gym for an hour
still cant sleep
shower
cleaning
getting hammered after class
after fasting all day
:]
can't wait
OH and im going to look for a job as a stripper :]
goodnight to the normal peeps who are asleep at dark

all the good people are dying i dont understand
my only reason for living died so fucking suddenly
i starved myself for three years and im still fucking alive :'(

i hate people

i mean, yeah, i'm sort of traumatized right now, and things are definitely not ok. my whole life basically ended. the only reason i wanted to "recover" died.
but that doesn't mean im a different personality type, i still like being alone, and sometimes i just NEED to not have people say "im here if you need me" or "can i cook you dinner" or "meet me downstairs in 5 min were going to a party"
yeah, i went to the party because they had lots of beer.
but i have this one friend who i love dearly and she is trying her damnedest to be sure that i never have one minute alone and im really fucking over it
stop fucking texting me
stop trying to come see me
im gonna stop answering her completely
i push people away, its just what i do
im sorry, but i need time to figure out where to go from here, and nobody can decide that except me, and i do not need a fucking babysitter
im fucking 19, almost 20, i need to figure things out for myself for once.
goddammit.
and i know they are all just trying to help, and i love all of them so much for that
but seriously
leave me the fuck alone

working on my novel.

for the first time in way too long.

decisions decisions

homework? exercise? food? or beer?
i need to stop snacking randomly. it's compulsive. i've only had about 600 calories today, so if i stop now i'll be fine.
solution? beer.
it will help me focus on homework or my novel whichever i decide.
but i really should exercise...

i think i'll just drink myself silly, and call it a day, even though i've only been awake since 10 lol

I LOVE GANDALF!!!

i refuse to let myself go. jake is watching over me, i can feel it so strongly sometimes, and i would HATE for him to see me fat. i WILL be perfect for him.

i dont know what to do

i havent run in a week
i cannot let myself go
:'(

it's 4:03 and i can't sleep without you next to me i toss and turn like the sea if i drown tonight bring me back to life breathe your breath in me the only thing that i still believe in is you, if you only knew <3
5am breakfast on a sunday should never be "orange juice" (aka, screwdrivers) one after the other jake told me never spill a drop, dont waste the alcohol i promise baby i wont do it

137

lowest weight ever
it doesnt matter
i wanted to be skinny for you
and now you are dead
gone
disappeared
:'(
and i am a fish in a sea of vodka

my boyfriend died in a car wreck

nothing makes sense other than to run and rink and run and drin jksome more :(

sofar this month i have run 36 miles :] what the fuck! :]

back to the routine

i love my routines. they keep me sane.
wake up
coffee
eggs
run
protein shake
pool
green beans
read
salad
protein shake
shower
bed
thats how it should be everyday, but when i dont go running it throws my whole day off. or if i go running and come home to an empty house, or if my house is empty and i dont have a book to read
well fuck that
i have lots of books now from the fucking library
back to my routine today, fuck all this bingeing shit!

purged for the 1st time since january

got maybe half up :/
it's back.
no it's not.
yes it is.
she's right there, fucking screaming right in my fucking face.
im going to go drug myself to sleep before i eat more.

*binge, but....

i had 3025 calories total yesterday. i made myself keep track. however, i am not fasting today like i always do after i binge, instead i'm doing this. i went to sleep, woke up, had coffee, oatmeal, eggs, and now im going running, for like 2 hours. the binge is stored in my muscles as glycogen, which is the first to be burnt off during exercise, so i should be ok. i didnt weigh today, im not going to until like wednesday. im going to go run, have a protein shake, chill at my grandma's for mother's day, not eat anything while i'm there, come home eat salad, protein shake, and sleep. i will not binge today.
in other news, i saw pictures on one of my friend's facebook of the girl i used to be best friends with who was very much bulimic/anorexic. we had a horrible relationship for which i will never ever forgive myself or her for, and for which i apologize for. i saw her pictures, it doesn't look like she has lost any weight, nor has she gained any weight.
and it thrilled me? because i'm losing again, and she isn't., or she wasn't whenever the pic was taken. but instantly after i thought "haha she's the same size" i thought "omg what if she's the same size because she's still sick?" like when you throw up, unless you throw up every single meal, or eat close to nothing and only throw up binges, you aren't going to lose any weight...
she didnt look bloated, her cheeks looked normal, she looked fine, but i still cant help but wonder :/ i hope she is ok, and maybe she is the same size because she finally loves herself, or has a better distraction than an eating disorder, or something. i really hope she is ok, because telling myself she is gives me hope that ill be ok one day. maybe. :/ idk
anyways, so 3000 isnt much of a binge, but its 3x as much as im used to eating, and i had probably 2000 of it while i was actually bingeing, the rest was the normal part of the day, so im trying not to feel too bad about it. i didnt purge, even though i was literally home alone with the bathroom right there i totally wanted to and my stomach hurt really bad but one binge is better than a binge then purge then binge again, so i didnt. and i also didnt want to stretch my stomach anymore. plus, it was my first binge since the 30th of april, so i feel proud that i went 7 days without one. baby steps. my goal for may was no binges, and while im not letting this one 'slide', i will be continuing that goal for the rest of may definitely.

first gw in over a year :]

breakfast of oatmeal and scrambled eggs.
nothing else today but running, salad, protein shake, and karaoke with the bestest :] loving life, high on weight loss, haven't smoked in a week, haven't had a cigarette in 3 days. funny how ana and mia cause me to do opposite things. i'm becoming lighter, prettier, dainty. i can see the top of my spine. i can count 3 ribs, 2 bumps of the top of my spine, my hip bones are almost completely visible, my cellulite is almost gone from my ass, my thighs look tiny when i watch them as i ride my bike to the track, i feel so free now.
i'm also re-reading wasted, with a bookmark i made that says 'books not binges'. i finished portia de rossi's book. it made me cry literally every ten minutes. she is my new hero, no doubt, everyone should read unbearable lightness.
fuck you mia, fuck you and go to hell! ana's back in black and in charge <3

141.9

blissful oblivion :] <3

NEW LOW WEIGHT!!!!!

144 this morning :D
i found this picture i posted last year here on june 22. i was 157
this is the difference between 157 and 146 :]smaller waist, thighs, hips, and a tighter tummy :] i have improved a little. i mean, it's nowhere near as dramatic as from when i was 215 til now but still, seeing as i got stuck in the binge cycle for like 6 months, i feel like i accomplished at least SOMEthing. which is ALWAYS better than nothing :]
AND, i'm back on track, with the running and i even rode my bike today.
intake= 682 (veggies and fruits are free, but my overall total was 932)
output= -1097
net= -415 (or -165, whichever you prefer)
89g protein!!!!! this is super important, because the binge/purge cycle sucked all the muscles off of my bones which made me look flabby and almost worse than when i was 215 :/ however, i am coming about this in a new way now, focusing on running and getting lots of protein, and at least 1 fruit and 1 veg a day. my grandma bought me some whey protein powder, 120 cals/2g fat/3g carbs/23g protein. this is my plan for may. i still will count calories, but as long as i run everyday and eat my fruits and veggies and protein, i will excuse myself if i go over a certain number every once in a while.
oh yeah, and NO BINGES IN MAY!!!! which means i will be smoking a lot less.
no weed= no high as fuck munchies.
plus, i'm saving the crip i just bought for when my bf comes down to visit. i'm gonna be so tan and so sexy he won't even recognize me :]
goal for end of summer= 140 or less, pref. 135 ish. i KNOW i can do that if i keep doing what i'm doing now, because it is working, and not only can i SEE a difference, but i FEEL different. healthier, not 'normal' yet, but definitely not as bad as i have been. i'm in no sort of recovery, just thought i would try something different, ya know? and i LOVE it <3