finally.

Meme Roth is my hero.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72ScWxTxEQQ&NR=1

banana <3

So, yesterday went amazingly well, and I'm feeling extremely full up with willpower and success :D Still no scale though. I won't be able to get on one untill the next time I'm at my grandma's house, or if I go to my best friend's house and her parents aren'thome. The next time I have money, I'm going to buy is a scale. I told myself this last time I had money, but instead my fatty boyfriend wanted to go to Starbucks, and because he ALWAYS pays for stuff, I offered to pay. There went my only ten dollars for a cheapo scale from Walmart. Why does he always want to eat it drives me insane and it's so hard to eat when we go out but it's even harder not to tell him no I don't really want to eat.
Anyways, yesterday I continued my water only fast. Yes, that's two whole days with zero calories, and no input of nasty toxins. AND I went running again. And my boyfriend came over last night but he had already eaten dinner, so I told him I ate at my friend's house after we were done exercising.
And today my plan was to eat a salad, but when I woke up I really wanted to eat a banana, so I spent like fifteen minutes cutting it up into tiny pieces, and I put half of it on a little plate, with ten pieces of chopped walnuts, and that was probably an hour ago, and I'm still munchin on it because I want to eat it really slow. I cut a banana into like 72 pieces. It's kind of weird, but it makes it look like there's more of it, and by eating it really slowly I'm getting full really fast. Plus, I'm already drinking a lot of water this morning :D
I feel so good right now.
b- 1/2 banana with 10 pieces of chopped walnut (~ 50 cals)
l- tba (hopefully small salad with vinaigrette dressing, ~ 50 cals)
d-tba (hopefully nothing)
Good luck to everyone else out there. I'm so happy to know that people actually care enough to comment. You're all what's keeping me going :)
<3 heather

yayyyy

I'm lovin this high right now. Yesterday, I followed through with absolutely nothing but water. AND I walked to my friends house (30 minutes), we rode bikes (probably thirty minutes total), and we went to the track at the nearest high school. She only walked, and rode her bike, and was insanely jealous of me because I definitely ran one lap, walked three, and ran up and down the really big steps twice!!! Yay for exercise! I think were going to go again today, but only after I finish cleaning my house because it's disgusting, and I'm home alone and feel like I cannot live like this. Then unless it rains, I'm going to lay in my yard for two hours, because I am going to be black by the end of summer! Lol, not really, I'm just competing with my mom, to see who can get the best tan.
It's always a competition with her, who can have the darkest tan, who can grow their hair out the longest, who can have the whitest teeth, who can lose the most weight... And trust me, I put in way over twice the effort she ever has, and I will win. I can show her up. I'll prove to her that no matter what she says, and no matter how many horribly nasty things she says to me, I will be better than her.
And someday, when I have children, I'm going to show them love, and tenderness, and the opposite of competition. I want them to feel good in their own skin, and never ever have to go through this.
Because even though this is the most amazing feeling ever, I hate it sometimes. I hate it when I look in the mirror, and feel like damn, why can't I just snap my fingers and look how I want, or when my brain shuts off, and I go into holocaust survivor mode, and eat two bowls of spaghetti, garlic bread, ice cream, and two poptarts, and then some triscuits smothered in cheese.... I hate it most when I wake up in the morning, and can barely move, but move anyways. I stand up too fast, nd everything goes black for a little bit, and I can barely see straight, and I have to walk it off, like nothing happened, because I can't let my family see that I'm hurting myself like this. There's no physical evidence, other than my weight loss, so they can't ship me off to a hospital for cutting or substance abuse. Now all I have to worry about is hiding my dizzy spells. And my lack of consumption. Which isn't too hard. I mean, today is garbage day, so I'm definitely throwing out food again, to keep it away from my mouth.
It makes me feel empowered.
Horribly wasteful, but empowered.
If I could ship food to Africa with nobody knowing, I totally would. Those poor kids don't want to starve, and here I am living by it, swearing by it, and loving every minute of it.
I'm a sad excuse for a human sometimes.
But damn I love it when my stomach growls. *growls* That's four times, just this morning :D
<3 stay strong

in the beginning...

Today I got a comment requesting the beginnings of my obsession/addiction with ana. Well, really, I don't think there was a beginning. It's always been there, in the back of my mind. It was there the first day of kindergarten, when, even though I was the tiniest in my class, I thought all the other girls were prettier than me. It was there the days when I watched my mother exercise constantly to maintain a size 12, and live on carrots and celery. It was there when I somehow exploded into early puberty in like fourth grade and gained somewhere around 100 pounds, sending my heart, mind, and body, into a yoyo of different diets, states of mind, weight losses, and dramatic weight gains. Then there was the period after my brother was born, when my mom decided to drag me with her on every new diet she could find. I've done weight watchers, jenny craig, slimfast, atkins, south beach, the hollywood grapefruit juice diet, and some weird hoodia powder stuff that you mix with this nasty syrup stuff. My mom and I tried it all. And nothing workled. On many of these diets, especially the atkins diet, I even gained weight. At only eleven years old I was barely five feet tall, and somewhere near 150 pounds. Kids made fun of me, and many days I went home and cried for hours because I was always the fat kid. Then one day, I had had enough. I started getting into fights alot, beating up the kids that bullied me. I thought, well, if I'm bigger than they are, surely I can kick their asses and then they won't mess with me. But that made me even sadder, because I've never been that much of a fighter. I would rather be peaceful, and happy, not angry all the time and violent as I was. Then, in seventh grade, I became vegetarian. I lost 15 pounds almost instantly, but was still clinically obese, weighing 180 pounds. The next year, just before the 8th grade formal, my family got this ab-lounge equipment, and I got hooked really fast. I cut out sodas, and was working on the ab-lounge for thirty minutes a day, everyday. I lost another 15 pounds, and was the happiest I had ever been with my body. My family started noticing, and congratulating me on my amazing achievements. I was so exhilerated. Nothing else mattered. I felt free. However, that same summer, I gained all 30 pounds back, and then some, and when 9th grade started, I weighed 200 pounds. As soon as school started I tried not eating every few days. I thought maybe if I only ate 4 or 5 days a week, it would balance out my calorie intake or something and I would stop gaining weight. I tried going a whole week on liquids alone. That year, I actually gained even more weight, and crashed into an endless cycle of starving, then bingeing, and cutting myself. I pierced my skin in obvious and not so obvious places. I still have scars from piercing, and cutting, and shaving layers of skin off of my body. The next year, however, I went vegan, for lent: 40 days. Vegan was my excuse for eating as little as possible, and that year I got down to 180 again. After lent, I maintained that weight, untillthe next school year started. I gained 20 pounds, soaring me back up to 200, and crashing myself back down into self-loathing and mutilation. I began to really like the cutting. I didn't want to be labeled "emo" however, so I hid my cuts in odd places, like my inner thigh, my hips, and most of all, my disgusting flabby stomach. When New Years came, it was time for yet another resolution to lose weight. I went vegan again, except this time two of my friends who suffered with their weights joined me in a competition to see who could go the longest without food. Next thing I knew, I was back down to 180. I never got below that. But I always gained the weight back. I started rinking really heavily, one to two cups of straight vodka every single day after school. I needed it. Some days I woulds live off of vodka alone. Then on weekends I would throw myself into the chemical oblivion of drunkeness, and sleep really late in the afternoon. I gained weight. I gradually lessened the amount of alcohol I consumed, motivated by someone who no matter what will always be very dear to me, even though we are seperated now. I got worried one time, when I drank so much I passed out, and realized that it had taken me a whole gallon of vodka to actually get so far as passing out. I still hate how high of a tolerance I have for substances. It's very scary. Anyways, I stopped drinking and focused more on exercise as a way to deal with things. This was last year. All summer I did yoga, every morning, followed by Gilad's Bodies In Motion on FitTV at my grandmother's house. I didn't really lose weight, but I did gain some muscles, and I got taller. When Junior year started, I was a little bit more confident, taller, and had maintained 195 for a few months. Except that's when it got bad. I was discovering new things about myself, such as my sexuality, my extreme obsessive compulsiveness, and the fact that I cannot deal with long-distance relationships. It wasa very sad time, but I cheated on my boyfriend of a whole year, on a girl who had the exact opposite eating disorder as me. I remember us going on diets, only for her to lose a little, and me to gain it. After we broke up, one morning, I looked at my reflection, and had absolutely no idea who the monster I saw staring back at me was. She was fat, ugly, unhappy, and sad. Very very sad. True, that girl was no longer an alcoholic, no longer a cutter, and hadn't stopped eating for a long time, but she was worse now than ever. This was last December, when I realized, looking into the mirror in horror, and looking down at the scale that read 215, that I didn't know myself anymore. My life was out of control, my best friend hadn't said a word to me in over a year, and I had no clothes to fit me. I began writing down everything I ate, and taking diet pills, and trying very hard to grab control of my eating. It started slowly, I took weight training class at school, and limited myself to 1000 calories a day. In February, I began fasting for whole weeks. I got down to 180 finally, and was happier than ever. Now, I'm trying hard to continue this story, hopefully with the happiest of endings. I know that yeah maybe this isn't healthy, but it's working, and as long as I don't binge like I did this past weekend, I should be alright. I will one day be able to say confidently that my weight is under control, and that my size five jeans are a little loose, and that I can be pretty. One day, i will reveal to myself the pretty girl inside, the girl I have never seen, but can feel inside me, begging to be set free. She's in there somewhere, and one day I can show the entire world her beauty.
It might take some time to get there, because I have so much to lose, but in the end, everything will be ok.
<3 heather(hunger)

weirdness

I'm shaking. Like violently. I just took a shower, thinking it was my nerves, and that a warm shower would calm me down, but I feel really dizzy and stuff...

I don't have a ride to my audition. :( But I did go on saturday, and I just got off the phone with the director, and she said that it was ok, so I think it's going to be ok.

My body is aching with.... I dunno. It burns all over on the inside, and I'm like really antsy but not in a hyper way in more of a my body is shaking weirdly kind of way. I really want some cold water.

*******************************

Mmmm. Not cold enough, but still good. I feel really clean. Kind of. My hair smells good.

Oh my gosh. I tried that saltwater flush thing. I got half the water down, and gave up. It was so gross. Like, I never want to go to the ocean ever again. The taste stayed in my mouth for like ever, and I felt really bloated, and so I drank a lot of water today. Almost 4 bottles. And I did pilates for 15 minutes, and then Tae-Bo (hahahaa), and some other workout tapes my mom had, and later I'm going to do my other daily routine exercises. I might do extra though, since I ate today. Here's the breakdown:

2 sandwhich flatroll things: 200 cals

jelly: about 150 cals

peanut butter: probably 300 cals

total: 650 cals.

Damn. I suck at life. It's not too terribly bad, but considering my bestie and I ate probably 2000 calories last night in the span of about 2 hours, this sucks. I am desperate for a cleansing 2 day fast, water only. Then after that, I'll allow some juices, maybe a small salad. I need to lose 30 pounds this summer. 150. 150 by the time school starts. Size 9 maybe. Still fat, but tons better than I was in december. I really need to work on my abs. I hate my stomach. It's so gross and flabby. Ugh. I could vent forever about every little thing on my body. Hey!!! Perfect time to go find measuring tape. Something I have not done in a while...

height: 66" (5'6")

neck: 14"

bust: 402"

just under bust: 35"

waist: 32"

hips: 41"

butt: 45"

thighs: l= 25" r=25"

calves: l= 16" r=16"

upper arms: l=13" r= 13"

forearm: l= 9.5" r= 9.5"

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm so huge. Seriously?!?!! 40 inches of bust???? That's insane. Except, I do love having a bra size of 36D. That's quite nice. It used to be 38DD, Which actually was pretty big. And I am kind of sad to be able to fit into a 36C bra now as well, because some of my D ones are getting bigger. I dunno.

Omg but my waist size is most definitely the worst. 32 inches. Thats about 10 inches I would like to lose. Size charts say I should be a size xl, and that I should wear a size 14 jeans. That's even worse. Because I definitely cant fit my size 14s anymore, and my xl shirts hang on me like nothing. I can fit my size ten jeans fine, and a size l shirt fits comfortably. I would like to be a size 5 ish and wear medium shirts. Thats my ultimate goal, because I honestly cant even imagine myself as a size zero. But who knows, maybe one day :)

I quit shaking. That's good.

I did something today that most people find apalling: I took laxatives. No, not my first time, and certainly not my last, but still. No, I won't lie to you and say that it's just another way of purging, because it most definitely doesn't promote weight loss. Yes, it can be rather nasty if you do it the wrong way, like girls who take handfulls at a time. I've never taken more than six at a time, and the results came like the next day, so it wasn't like immediate relief like throwing up, which is why most bulimics choose to throw up instead, but it made me feel better nonetheless. Like, yeah, I ate all that food, but instead of punishing my body with the harmful effects of purging, I'll just cleanse, fast, and start over the next day. So anyways, I took four today, and I'm going to take maybe 2-4 more before I go to bed. That way I'll wake up with an empty stomach, then empty out everything else, and have only water tomorrow. Sort of like a detox. I love detoxing. Not only do I lose weight, but my brain can think clearer, and I can breathe better.

So as you might be able to tell, I keep going on and on about stuff... I'm trying to stay sidetracked. If I'm constantly typing then I'm burning calories, and even better, not consuming any. I hope I burned off most of what I ate today. Tomorrow, I'm going to walk to my friend's house and get my bike, and ride home. I left it there the day before yesterday. Oops. I was too lazy to ride it back home :/ But tomorrow I will go get it. Then everyday this week, along with my routine stuff, I'm going to do my 8-minute tae-bo thingy, the 15-minute pilates thingy, and ride my bike around the block. I hope I can stick to it.

And by all means necessary, I will NOT go into the kitchen. No freezer, no pantry, no cabinets. Water or juice. Maybe tea with splenda, after two days of just water. If I can stick to this, I'm promising myself a salad on like thursday or friday. Then I'll have a tiny salad everyday. But thats it. No more. I have to lose this weight.

sadness kicks in

I love my best friend. I love most of all how she won't judge me, no matter how much I eat in her presence. Mostly, because she knows I won't judge her, even if she eats two bagels, but only after eating pizza, cheese sticks, and two bowls of cereal. We didn't even throw it up afterwards. I'm so sorry I couldn't resist the pizza. I blame myself, because I'm the one who brought in the first plate.
And for what? To wake up this morning with a fucking knot the size of Alaska in my tummy and the strongest desire to continue the weekend's binges.
Seriously though, I ate like my whole body weight in food every single day for the past like 4 days. How in the hell does one person gain ten pounds in four fucking days?!?!?!
So anyways, I ate two peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches today, and cooked a pot of rice with steamed veggies. But while the rice was still boiling, I told myself NO. Imagine that. All it takes is to tell myself "NO!!!"
I rather screamed it, and my dog ran into the next room. I'm sorry I scared him with my screaming, and my throwing a whole big huge pot of rice out the back door. Please don't let my mother find that.
The last few days have been so sad for me. I've cried more than I can ever remember crying, even though I should be happy. I've lost somewhere around 35 pounds since december, I have an amazing best friend, and an amazing oyfriend who tells me "There isn't an ounce of fat on your body" and "You're not fat, just heavy. Which is ok, because that means you have sexy muscles."
Pffft.
muscles, my ass! Actually, no, the muscles on my ass aren't that great. I know they're under there somewhere, under all this blubber. Lard. Fat. Disgusting.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I don't give a flying fuck. I need to vent.
I'm going to try to fast tomorrow. If I make it through the day, I should be fine. I went six days last week without solid food, and got down to 166 pounds, the lowest I can ever remember being. Ever. But now I'm back up to 180, because I'm a fat kid at heart, and something inside me, like a split personality, kicks in after day six, and takes over. I'm going to call her Karen.
Karen, listen to me, you mother fucking bitch. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are ruining my life. I fucking hate you, and your disgusting fat body. Leave me alone, and stop making me eat. You hurt me so much, and I cannot take it anymore.
I have to lose at least five pounds by friday.
I exercised all day long. I hope that did something. Anything.
I have an audition tonight for a musical. Wish me luck.
And please, never giv in to temptation. It hurts, and afterwards, you'll feel like low as dirt, like the biggest fattest piece of shit that ever walked on the earth.
I'm trying to teach myself how to say no to myself.
I hope this changes things.
I will be beautiful
<3

Soooo, I haven't been on here in a while, and I'm truly sorry. I've been so busy with not eating. Today would be day seven, but on sunday I ate a salad because my family decided to go out to dinner. Ugh. But I decided I would eat today that way my best friend doesn't feel like she's doing it alone. I'm going to limit my caloric intake to 500 calories. For breakfast right now, I'm having oatmeal:
1/4 cup of all natural plain instant oatmeal = 75 calories
1/16 cup of chopped walnuts = 25 calories
Mix with a little water, a pinch of salt, and a teaspoon of splenda, and it tastes sooooooooo good. Even though I feel bad for letting my body down, but yesterday I felt like I was going to pass out. More than once. So I gave myself a whole V8 juice instead of just half. And slept for like 4 hours.
Oh my gosh this morning I don't know what was going on with my body, but I totally blew up at my mom in the kitchen. I think this emptiness is going to my head. But I'm eating today, so that should speed up my metabolism and stuff. As long as I don't gain too much weight because then I won't eat for like three days, or however long it takes to get back to where I was yesterday: 167! I was so elated!!!! I want to be down to 165 Friday. That's only two pounds, no big deal. Right?