fuck it

When I was little, I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a nurse, a vet, in the army, a singer, a writer, in a band, a model, a superstar… I was everything to jake, and I guess that is enough for me. now I have nothing. All I have are memories, something I cant even physically hold on to. I have nothing to hold onto. I don’t have jake to hold onto me, and I don’t have him to hold onto. All I really ever needed in life was peace, love, and happiness. Jake gave me all of those things and so much more. I wanted to be everything, and I was his everything, and now he is gone, so now my life has no purpose. I don’t have meaning. All my friends want to be here for me, they are all doing what they know how to do and that is to simply bew a friend. I don’t need friends. Friends cannot goive me peace love or happiness. I really do love their efforts they mean a lot to me but its not the same. Why am I breathing right now? Im in my dorm, and tomorrow when I wake up I will go to the gym. Why? To keep myself healthy. I will probably eat breakfast. Why? To keep myself healthy. Why be healthy? So I can concentrate on classes and make god grades to get a degree. Why? So I will be successful and make my family proud and bring them honor. Why? So my children will not have to suffer like I did.
Wait, I cannot have kids, because I don’t have someone to make babies with anymore. The thought of being with someone else is not even a thought, it’;s a lie. Why have kids anyway? To bring more innoxcent victims into this fucked up world? I could never do that.
So I get a degree, im rich, I help people with their shit. What good does that do me? I become a zombie like every other fucking person. I have enough money to retire. Money wont make me happy. Money will be spent on vodka trying to numb the pain so I can function as a zombie like everyone else.
Fuck it. There’s no point in being alive if im just living to die.there is no good reason not to die. I am more content when I am by myself than when I have people crawling down my throat to make sure ‘im ok’ and ‘if I need anything just let me know’ well I don’t need anything. I need jake. And hes not coming back.
I starved myself half my fucking life, and for what? I wanted to disappear, to not exist. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could have one wish it would be to die. I tried to die for so long and im still fucking here, dealing with the fucking consequences. Jake loved life, he lived his life to the fullest, he never took any opportunity for granted, and he’s gone. Poof. Do not pass go. What the fuck is wrong with me? why him and not me? why do the good people die and the rest is left to suffer and hate everything?
I wish I could crawl into a bottle of vodka and ferment and have someone drink me in and piss me out and flush me into the ocean where my existence would be scattered all across the ocean, the whole world. That wouldn’t do any good either.
Im skinny, but not skinny enough. 137, lowest ever, not low enough to cause worry.
Just you wait.
People are worrying about me now ehn I don’t need them to. Im perfectly fine right now. I hjust wanna be left alone. Just wait, I’ll show you something to fucking worry about.
I’m not done yet. I have a purpose, and right now that purpose is to die. Everyone will die at some point. So why not me? why not now? Why not when I finally step onto the scale, take a deep breath, look down, see the needle point firmly to ‘100’, and then just pass out? Why not me?
30 pounds to lose. Ive done way more than that before, so this should be easy.

hmmmm...

i want ice cream. and lots of food.
mostly carbs.
i am debating on if i want to walk or ride my bike to walmart (~1 hour walk, 30 min ride), get food, eat it, and then walk/ride back.
it's either that or binge on vegetables and oatmeal and plain rice.
hmmmmm
dilemma? it's almost 11pm so it's dark and the crazies are out :/

the difference one pound can make!

blahhh

im in one of those moods where i keep walking past the gym in my building but i don't feel like going in and i keep looking through my fridge but i don't feel like eating and so i don't know what to do...
i wish i felt like running, cuz i would go.
and then i would make tea, because my pitcher is empty.
and then i would eat a salad, because all i ate today was oatmeal.
there are two beers in my fridge, but it hasn't been long enough since i last ate to start drinking.
i only like drinking on an empty stomach.
i know if i go to the gym and workout for an hour that i would have an empty stomach so i could start drinking.
and when you drink right after exercise the alcohol kicks in faster.
i think i shall force myself to go workout now, and then work on my novel.
i must workout though, so i can be a sexy stripper :]

insomnia

hyper
went to gym for an hour
still cant sleep
shower
cleaning
getting hammered after class
after fasting all day
:]
can't wait
OH and im going to look for a job as a stripper :]
goodnight to the normal peeps who are asleep at dark

all the good people are dying i dont understand
my only reason for living died so fucking suddenly
i starved myself for three years and im still fucking alive :'(

i hate people

i mean, yeah, i'm sort of traumatized right now, and things are definitely not ok. my whole life basically ended. the only reason i wanted to "recover" died.
but that doesn't mean im a different personality type, i still like being alone, and sometimes i just NEED to not have people say "im here if you need me" or "can i cook you dinner" or "meet me downstairs in 5 min were going to a party"
yeah, i went to the party because they had lots of beer.
but i have this one friend who i love dearly and she is trying her damnedest to be sure that i never have one minute alone and im really fucking over it
stop fucking texting me
stop trying to come see me
im gonna stop answering her completely
i push people away, its just what i do
im sorry, but i need time to figure out where to go from here, and nobody can decide that except me, and i do not need a fucking babysitter
im fucking 19, almost 20, i need to figure things out for myself for once.
goddammit.
and i know they are all just trying to help, and i love all of them so much for that
but seriously
leave me the fuck alone