100 days until christmas, day 100

stats: 32-28-35 (146 pounds)
goal for today: liquids only. under 500 calories.
500 crunches.

i want to have abs by halloween so i can wear sexy costumes instead of regular ones. just cuz i've never been able to before.
also, i made a mini calendar for this 100 day thing. a notecard for each day saying how many days left and every like ten days or so imma write my weight/measurements :) i only have to lose 16 pounds by christmas, so i have plenty of time, but i mainly want to perfect my restricting and get to a point where drinking a bathtub full of water doesn't make me gain like 6 pounds of water weight. and also, i need to stop binging everytime i come home. my family has like no food in the house now, after 6 binges in 2.5 days, and my mom is working two jobs and still doesn't have money for enough food, so i feel really bad now. i mean, all the things i binged on i made sure there was a lot of it, or that it was food that my mom and brother don't eat a lot of, like pasta and oatmeal. so i didn't eat any of the "good" food. and also because it doesn't really matter what you binge on if you're just gonna throw it up, so i didn't binge on anything like really delicious. except cookies, but they were really old and hard so i figured it was ok lol
anyways......................
today will consist of coffee water tea juice and gatorade to get my electrolytes back in order (so peri doesn't shoot me through the computer). i have to help my om move furniture and stuff all day, so i can't just like pass out in front of her, she would flip shit and i don't want to scare her any more than i already do.

i will catch up you guys's blogses laters when i'm not trying not to die in front of my mom. <3

100 days until christmas. i will be 130 by christmas morning, or santa doesn't exist.

mom leaves to get brother. heather binges. mom and brother get back. heather panics. mom and brother leave for football practice. heather purges everything (hopefully).

thirty minutes to wait for them to leave aaaaaaagggghhhh

calories numbers i binged on four pounds of food get the fuck out leave now calories mom leave hunter has practice numbers ok you’ll be numbers late you should calories really just leave now calories leave now gtfo calories

heather fails to purge so she binges again. and fails to purge again.

drink water keep trying throw up until waters clear dont freak no panic aaaaaaaaaa

...

i just want jake back :'(

ahaha peri <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfyJMrMSx_Q&feature=related

i feel a little better now, it is 7:30 am, my mom just left for work and i will be home alone until like 4 ish. i have a plan!

plan A: weigh-in, coffee (with milk for calcium= 65), breakfast (eggs & banana or oatmeal? ~200), toning exercises for 30 min(-270), DDR for two hours (-1000), lunch (vegetables. 100), finish wintergirls, drink a bathtub full of water, dinner (salad. 100) TOTAL=500 max.

i have to be good today. if not, then i have a plan b for if i binge. i planned out plan b before i came up with plan a….

plan b: weigh-in, coffee (milk= 65), binge/purge, breakfast (eggs, banana. ~200), toning exercises (-270), DDR (-1000), drink bathtub, lunch (vegetables. 100), wintergirls, toning exercises, binge/purge, dinner (salad. 100). TOTAL=500 max.

((plan c: fast.)) ((plan d: b/p all day, no other food.))

i weigh 144 :'( so i only lost 3 pounds in two weeks, except i know i was less than that yesterday morning. but considering i did binge last night and might not have gotten all of the first binge out, i am ok with this. my upper limit used to be 155, so now i think i am lowering that to 150. as long as i am under 150 no matter what, then i won't die. but i hope tomorrow i am 144 or less.

i havent had milk in my coffee in so long 0__0 this is fucking delicious!

************EDIT

i have binged and purged four times since 6pm yesterday.

part of me wants to tell somebody and part of me is like FUCK YEAH BITCHES I HAD 32378 CALORIES TODAY AND IM STILL 144!!!!!!!!!

i need inpatient. bleh :))

i got home and went straight to the kitchen and ingested 700 calories almost instantly, within 10 minutes. on top of the 400 calories i had while at school. so in total it was within my highest acceptable limit (1072) but it still felt like SO MUCH :(
i also discovered that it is possible for me to throw up in a toilet, which i have never been able to do. but i didn't get everything up, maybe like 1/5th. then, mom wanted to make dinner calories
-___________-
so i ate like 4 bowls of pasta and threw that up until i tasted the other stuff i had eaten earlier.
i feel like shit, and my tummy hurts, and my teeth feel nonexistent.
i want to try and fast tomorrow.
god my stomach hurts so bad. i wish i had laxatives :(

i woke up and wanted to fast again. what?!

(also, vintage model spam on my tumblr. it's da bomb: http://heather-hunger.tumblr.com/)

((also also, I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID REFUND! its only a hundred bucks though, so ill probably spend most of it on weed, vodka, and laxatives :p))

this was me breaking a fast. i know it's not a lot and definitely not enough protein and i know i should eat more but i feel like this was WAY too much, like i totally could have skipped the peanut butter, and the soup mix had a lot of sodium in it... :/ meh

this excerpt from wintergirls makes me want to fast tomorrow. i have seriously cried multiple times reading this book already. this part right here, though, is what i aim for, the numbness that starving brings. i did it once, i can do it again. i do not want to feel this shit anymore, and honestly i'm so lonely that if my tummy growled, i would probably talk back to it. also, i would love to be a cute little hamster.