i am in extreme bitch mode right now.
NO I WILL NOT BUM YOU A CIGARETTE FUCK OFF
i really just wanna go home this weekend. i do not want to deal with these immature ridiculous people. i don't have any money for drugs, so there is no point in starving alone in my dorm all weekend when i can be bingeing and purging at home with my family.
my logic makes sense okay fuck off okay
Thursday, September 8, 2011
it is so easy to be a zombie during the day. i dont ever think about anything really. but before i go to sleep everything crawls into bed with me, and i cant sleep. i laid in my bed last night from 10 until 2, awake, crying, finally fell asleep, and woke up way too early today at 6:30.
:/ i dont really know what else to post about.
i hate everything. i just wish it would all end. im tired of people being all like, "oh it could be worse, you could be dead" or "at least you're still breathing"
like, HELLO NEWSFLASH the fact that i AM still breathing is THE WHOLE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
i fucking hate people. seriously. nobody understands.
i dont want you to cheer me up, i dont want your fucking advice. i dont want you to talk me into or out of anything.
all i want is someone to listen, to actually for real hear me, and at least try to understand. i want to be able to talk without having to get bullshit feedback.
i just want to not be alive anymore. this isn't worth it.
:/ i dont really know what else to post about.
i hate everything. i just wish it would all end. im tired of people being all like, "oh it could be worse, you could be dead" or "at least you're still breathing"
like, HELLO NEWSFLASH the fact that i AM still breathing is THE WHOLE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
i fucking hate people. seriously. nobody understands.
i dont want you to cheer me up, i dont want your fucking advice. i dont want you to talk me into or out of anything.
all i want is someone to listen, to actually for real hear me, and at least try to understand. i want to be able to talk without having to get bullshit feedback.
i just want to not be alive anymore. this isn't worth it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
GOOD DAY #2 :D
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeim so hyper idk why im just gonna go be crazay okaykay?? :DDD
it has been wayyyy too long since i have drank this much water :O i'm peeing like every ten minutes. when i first started this i did like 6 day water fasts where i would drink 20 glasses of water a day and i didn't pee this much then!!! i don't get it. dehydration sucks :p
but maybe this will help me bust through this rough spot i've been at for like a year. i need to be in the 30s soon. i felt probably 147 ish this morning, but i don't have a scale in my dorm so :(
i have classes today, then workout tonight. i have all my food already laid out and sorted and ready to go that way when i go to eat i don't have to think about "hmm what should i eat oh this looks good but it has calories nvm i wont eat" planning ahead is really helping me this time. i ended yesterday right at about 600 calories, and today will be about the same depending on if i eat all the popcorn i packed for myself while i'm on campus today.
i need some money :( being a broke college kid sucks, all i have really is vegetables and popcorn and cereal. i need protein. i have beans but that's about it. i will be out of protein shakes by the end of this week :( hopefully i can talk my grandma into getting me some. or at least giving me some money for like eggs and soymilk and stuffs.
meh.
i'm kind of apathetically hopeful today. i know that sounds like a weird combination, trust me, it feels just as weird as it sounds lol
i have philosophy class in 20 minutes, i will update you guys later tonight on how i did today :)
btw, how is everyone else doing? i'm trying really hard to keep up with your blogs. there are so many! i love this community, i really do :) <3
but maybe this will help me bust through this rough spot i've been at for like a year. i need to be in the 30s soon. i felt probably 147 ish this morning, but i don't have a scale in my dorm so :(
i have classes today, then workout tonight. i have all my food already laid out and sorted and ready to go that way when i go to eat i don't have to think about "hmm what should i eat oh this looks good but it has calories nvm i wont eat" planning ahead is really helping me this time. i ended yesterday right at about 600 calories, and today will be about the same depending on if i eat all the popcorn i packed for myself while i'm on campus today.
i need some money :( being a broke college kid sucks, all i have really is vegetables and popcorn and cereal. i need protein. i have beans but that's about it. i will be out of protein shakes by the end of this week :( hopefully i can talk my grandma into getting me some. or at least giving me some money for like eggs and soymilk and stuffs.
meh.
i'm kind of apathetically hopeful today. i know that sounds like a weird combination, trust me, it feels just as weird as it sounds lol
i have philosophy class in 20 minutes, i will update you guys later tonight on how i did today :)
btw, how is everyone else doing? i'm trying really hard to keep up with your blogs. there are so many! i love this community, i really do :) <3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
bad stuff first, i need to vent:
ok so my friend D was like a bunch of us are going to applebees at 9:30 we would love it if you came, i'll buy you dessert!! :DDD
........................
I SERIOUSLY WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM IN THE THROAT I AM SO PISSED HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DID HE FORGET THE LAST TIME I WAS IN APPLEBEES AND HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?!?!?!?!
i fucking hate people. also, he knows i have NO money and its fucking 9:30, im deff going to sleep soon wtfff AND WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EAT SO LATE AT NIGHT?!!??!
i hate them. they are the nicest people ever but their niceness is what kept me from losing more weight over summer >:( fucking fatass american bitches.
i need skinny friends.
other news :D good day so far, let's hope i can get to sleep soon though so i don't binge. late nights are the worst :p
BUT i hardcore worked out today for the first time since like the middle of july :D and my muscles hurt. i am going to post my dailyplate thingy on here every single day until my birthday.
my plan is to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weights a day at the very least, and if i feel up to it, burn at least 500 calories during cardio. if not, then 30 minutes will do (~350 calories, usually once i get to that point i HAVE to make it a more even number though lol)
i am back! how is everyone? :D
ok so my friend D was like a bunch of us are going to applebees at 9:30 we would love it if you came, i'll buy you dessert!! :DDD
........................
I SERIOUSLY WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM IN THE THROAT I AM SO PISSED HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DID HE FORGET THE LAST TIME I WAS IN APPLEBEES AND HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?!?!?!?!
i fucking hate people. also, he knows i have NO money and its fucking 9:30, im deff going to sleep soon wtfff AND WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EAT SO LATE AT NIGHT?!!??!
i hate them. they are the nicest people ever but their niceness is what kept me from losing more weight over summer >:( fucking fatass american bitches.
i need skinny friends.
other news :D good day so far, let's hope i can get to sleep soon though so i don't binge. late nights are the worst :p
BUT i hardcore worked out today for the first time since like the middle of july :D and my muscles hurt. i am going to post my dailyplate thingy on here every single day until my birthday.
my plan is to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weights a day at the very least, and if i feel up to it, burn at least 500 calories during cardio. if not, then 30 minutes will do (~350 calories, usually once i get to that point i HAVE to make it a more even number though lol)
i am back! how is everyone? :D
in 15 days i turn 20.
i got high last night and had munchies like i haven't had in a loooooooooooong time :(
so i ate a bag of popcorn, a can of mixed nuts, and like 3 servings of cookie crisp cereal, and a protein shake haha
bleh... diet time!
max 700 calories a day.
i'm going to start drinking water again, like 10 cups a day at least.
at least 2 vegetables a day.
i need to stop eating so many nuts (no really salted mixed nuts, trail mix, etc... it's horrible it's like my tongue has a fetish for them lol)
and i need to exercise. i'm gonna try for 1 hour a day. 30 min. weights, 30 min. cardio.
i always do better the first few days if i say i'm on a "diet" i know dieting is bad, and usually people gain weight after they quit their diets, but this is't really a diet in the first place.
if i could continue this for the rest of the year............. :0
i wish i knew how much i weigh right now :( im so bloated aaaaaaaaaa fuck salt
also, after my birthday i'm doing abc again.
i'll update later, i have class in an hour, then i'm spending the rest of the day in the library
(or at least until like 6, then i'll go to they gym) :p
i got high last night and had munchies like i haven't had in a loooooooooooong time :(
so i ate a bag of popcorn, a can of mixed nuts, and like 3 servings of cookie crisp cereal, and a protein shake haha
bleh... diet time!
max 700 calories a day.
i'm going to start drinking water again, like 10 cups a day at least.
at least 2 vegetables a day.
i need to stop eating so many nuts (no really salted mixed nuts, trail mix, etc... it's horrible it's like my tongue has a fetish for them lol)
and i need to exercise. i'm gonna try for 1 hour a day. 30 min. weights, 30 min. cardio.
i always do better the first few days if i say i'm on a "diet" i know dieting is bad, and usually people gain weight after they quit their diets, but this is't really a diet in the first place.
if i could continue this for the rest of the year............. :0
i wish i knew how much i weigh right now :( im so bloated aaaaaaaaaa fuck salt
also, after my birthday i'm doing abc again.
i'll update later, i have class in an hour, then i'm spending the rest of the day in the library
(or at least until like 6, then i'll go to they gym) :p
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