meh. back to my dorm in like an hour. back to being a hippie and not eating and playing my guitar all over campus.
im never buying food again. after i get my tattoo, my money will be spent on cigarettes first, alcohol second, and weed third.
and whatever other drugs i feel like doing :p
(disclaimer: i am not a druggie, i don't do drugs every day, i don't even smoke cigarettes everyday. i'm generally a good student when i'm not in depressed-agoraphobic-bingepurgeinmydormallday mode, and i usually hide in the library doing homework. i don't thin kthere is anything wrong with getting fucked up on the weekends after my homework is done)
((and it beats the shit out of spending money on shit food. happy times :D))

also, i weighed 151 saturday morning, 149 yesterday morning, and 149 this morning. bleh. it could have been worse.

i seriously need to stop all this eating thing. i've been compulsively eating all day, it's 1:30 in the afternoon and i have had 900 calories. a good bit of it was protein though, so it's not all bad, but i have the whole day ahead of me and i'm already over my safe limits :( i'm really close to going over into the freak-out zone, like if i go over 1000 it almost always triggers a binge/purge and then well everyone knows what happens from there. my teeth hurt from purging so much yesterday so i didn't want to purge today but.......
ugh and i was supposed to fast today because i have to go to a baseball game tonight and i wanted to wear cute clothes but nothing fits me anyway except metal band shirts and loose jeans bleh
meh. i feel so like apathetic. i need a cigarette <3

post#1

lost 2 lbs since school started. even after binge last night :/ not enough.
im not eating until after my birthday.

post#2
i am an emotional wreck i went to my little brothers football game and cried because he plays with so much heart..
wtf is wrong with me?

post#3
i had an amazing day!
i feel manic :D
wooooooooooo
and i have been purging all day but that is besides the point because today was awesome and i love my little brother <333

post#4
i purged like 5 gallons of water today... like, not food, like i binged on water??? wtf???
all these came from today btw, in order.... im a bipolar mess :p

whenever i see girls complain about bingeing on like 200 or even 600 calories, i think to myself that i must be a bigger failure than them, because i binged on like 4000, and couldn't purge it all out :(
but for the life of me, i cannot ever seem to purge small quantities >:( if i have like a piece of cake i cant just go throw it up and it pisses me off more than ever.

home for the weekend so i can binge on something besides spaghetti and ramen :D
in other news, i atually had a great day? like wtf??
i picked up my guitar for the first time in months and played a simple G chord and i felt like sweeney todd "at last! my arm is complete again!"
i feel almost complete. still suicidal, just more at peace with it.

post-binge, pre-purge, friend texts me: wanna get high?
*anger/leave me alone!*
*remember how amazing being high is right after you throw everything up*
*spend half an hour purging, drinking water, re-purging, etc*
*needs excuses as to why it took me half an hour to walk downstairs*
*get downstairs*
*stomach ache*
>:( grrr

i had a dream last night that i went to my grandma's and she had a LOT of candy, like my favorite kind, like snicker's and reese's and just ugh and in my dream i ate like all of them...
since i woke up, i cannot stop thinking about candy and i fucking WANT IT so bad :( but i have no money for candy. and no cigarettes left. so if i did have money i would spend it on cigarettes instead of candy anyways :(
my plan from now on is to only spend money on drugs and alcohol. and juice. i love juice.
no more food for meeee
especially not candy ugh :(

oh, also, i turn 20 in 20 days :'( i never wanted to live this long. fml.
but suicide never works for me.... i fail at life, and death, so wtf am i supposed to do now?!

also also, my legs have been numb, like all day... like im scared to try and walk cuz everytime i get up i fall lol im like those toys that stand straight and when you push the button they like crumble... oh shit, that was an amazing metaphor for my life............ i just mindfucked myself wtf mindmasturbation whattt