psh.

everything goes from good to bad to better to worse and back again in minutes.

wake up, feel ok, eat a little, no problem.

start to go to class, pass by too many people, turn around, back to dorm, catch breath.

get bored, watch tv show reruns, eat too much, feel like shit.

get high, feel better, eat more, feel not high anymore, and feel like shit.

throw up, drink water, throw up again, feel better.

look in the mirror, notice nothing has changed since this morning, feel worse.

and now, i am here.

feel the melancholy emptiness and emotionless numb self of me.

well...

this week so far has actually been really awesome food-wise, but its not showing up on the scale or on my body...
is there a point to all this?????
ugh!

ugh

im so hungry i could kill my roommate to consume her flesh.

and i lost all my lighters like wtf how does someone lose 3 fucking lighters?!

in:
small salad +50
almonds +100
juice +20

out:
gym -275
walking -100

total= -205

on the bright side i went to the gym today
on the dark side its raining so i cant go for a walk
and im fat as fucking ever still.
if i didnt eat for a month i still wouldnt be anywhere near my goal.
i might be halfway there.
and thats better than what i am now.
so why the fuck not.
im throwing all the food in my dorm away.
anything thats not fruit or vegetables.

.

i was going to post a long whiney bitchy blog about how horrible everything is, but then i read something here that totally changed my mind.

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates

i will not be worthless.

if theres beauty after the breakdown...

why the fuck am i not the sexiest bitch ever?

does that just mean its only getting worse?

cuz thats what it feels like.

and instead of dealing with all the shit, ill just get high off of drugs and food and going to the gym for hours.

good day

gym -400
monster +20
gym -620
soup- +30
----------
total: -970



i need to make an appointment with my therapist. its been almost a month :/
except i have no ride.

my best friend is leaving ed. and she is losing weight. i fucking love her, but i really hate her right now. i am almost too jealous to look at her. fucking 128, bitch.
but whatever ill catch up one day.
i will.
starting now.

autopilot

yep.
for the past three weeks ive been on auto and for no reason at all, my plane crashed today, due to lack of fuel.
so, in other words, the depression i thought i had control of, actually was just being pushed inside, while i walk around on cruise control.
but the good news is i went to they gym finally yesterday.
but the bad news is i weigh 162 :(
but the good news is i havent eaten anything solid in over 3 days.
and im going to the gym tomorrow with two friends.
but ill definitely get there way before they do, and im not leaving until after they leave.

im so tired of being fat and sad and empty inside.
im even too depressed to get high.
that doesnt make any fucking sense.
ugh