this is the epitimy of ed

This picture pretty much encompasses everything my eating disorder entails. Every emotion is right there: sadness, insanity, depression, helplessness...

First thing:

I had my first panic attack in a really long time today. Right in the middle of first period, I ran to the bathroom, crying my fucking eyes out, because life smacked me right in the chest and took my breath away, and it hurt really really bad. These things occurred to me: It's October 30, and the application for the only 3 colleges I have any chance of getting into are November 1st, November 13th, and some other time in november. And I havent even applied to any colleges yet. And i havent applied to scholarships yet. And so i called my mom, she came to my school to pick me up, and i cried like a fucking 3 month old baby all the way home poor me why didnt i do these things earlier. Then, when i got home, i ate. and ate. and ate. and applied to all three colleges, and ate some more.

And then i felt a little better knowing at least the applications were finished, now i just have to get my transcripts and stuff in order.

second thing:

application fees.

normally, being dirt poor doesnt bother me. i actually enjoy it most of the time, because its less of a hassle when i dont have to worry about wearing expensive clothes, or looking perfect all the time, or whatever. material things dont matter.

but now, i realize, i cant even apply to college, because im too poor to pay the fucking application fee????? like seriously this is fucking ridiculous college tuitions are expensive enough as it is, and even though yes its only 30 dollars an app thats a whole almost hundred dollars for all three applications, and even if i apply i might not get in, so thats like wasting 30 dollars right into thin air.

i might as well be a drug addict, and waste money that way.

not like i would get into university of florida anyways, theres nothing special about me.

oh, except for that my admissions essay was based on fucking childhood obesity and the things that being fat have taught me.

tahts pretty fucking pathetic when the most important thing in my miserable fucking life is this goddamned monster thats consuming me and hes the only thing i really feel passion enough to write about.

i cant even fathom making true love to my boyfriend anymore becuase the whole time im constantly thinking to myself oh god im fat please dont let him be looking at my stomach or my thighs no just look into my eyes and stay there so i know your not looking ugh it fucking sucks.

number three?

binge. i feel it coming. and sine i know its coming, im going straight to my room to exercise.

but that will only relieve this insanity until i wake up tomorrow, sore and tired from the exercise, and from passing out from too much exercise. then ill have a whole day of trying to avoid eating as much as possible, which will be harder than usual because fucking tomorrow is fucking halloween and there will be fucking candy every fucking where.

and i just know my costume will look motherfucking horrible on me now because i ate so much today when i got home.

i hate that food is a fucking comfort, but that the comfort of biscuits and noodles and chocolate only lasts until i realize that all the food is fucking bad for me.

and that just makes me want fucking more food.

sbvdbfvhiasbgipuwernhvj!!!

i want this to end. i want to eb happy one day. i want to be skinny and be able to eat normally like everybody else one day. i want to graduate college and have a job and marry the love of my life and be able to make sweet passionate love to him, real love, and have babies with him and not be consumed by this monster all the time.

the first step of this is applying to college, and i cant even do that. god must have thought he was a real fucking joker when he put all this on me. wanna good laugh? lets tune into the heather channel today, see how shes holding up.

my best friend in the whole entire world had a seizure in my kitchen floor friday night.
because she's intensely bulimic and hadn't digested any real calories in almost a week.

and yet i havent had any kind of food since then.

life sucks.



and all the food on foodnetwork today wasn't even enough to make me crave anything.
and right now im enjoying being empty, disappearing, falling gently into ana's arms.
and i love it so much.
even though my hair is falling out.
even though i took 25 laxatives on friday.
even though my fingernails are getting that blue-ish tint to them.
and my skin has never been this dry before.
and my mouth has never tasted this horrible before,
even though i've brushed my teeth twice today.
and yes, even though i can't stand up too quickly, for fear of fainting, or worse, seizing in my best friend's kitchen, i can't stop this.
i can't stop this at all.
no matter how bad i want it, i just don't want it enough to stop.
it's my life now, and it's all that matters.
everything else is merely a distraction from whats really going on inside my head.
and when i feel like i need an escape from it, and i try not to think about it,
i just feel really lost.
like nothing else matters.

im so stressed out right now.
college early admissions deadline is next sunday, and i haven't done a damn thing to prepare for this, and i know i won't make any of the due dates.
and that fucking sucks.
because now i have to rush around to get all the paperwork filled out and sent in, and fucking admissions dues are skyrocketed and i don't have any money to even pay to apply to college.

i wish my life hadn't ended up like this, but honestly, i couldn't really see my life happening any other way.

woulda, coulda, shoulda

today would have been the perfect fast day:
I woke up empty. I was finally down to 155 again, after a long day of laxatives/diuretics and fasting. I really wanted to fast again today, or do liquids only, that way i would have had juice, then worked out for a little bit.
i could have had juice but...
Instead of juice, i decided that i would have a healthy meal, like a normal person. i had an english muffin with some sugar free jelly and peanut butter, half a banana, and some soymilk.
i should have stopped there,
but instead i ate all the new groceries my mom bought for me. yep. so at least there isnt much to eat for the rest of the week. at least i'll be safe then.

except now i have to do emergency contraception to all the food in my stomach right now, yet again. because im going to see rocky horror picture show tonight!
so i need to lose as much weight as possible by then.
so as soon as i stop eating, im going to eat 20 laxatives. and chug water. like a fish.
nop, more than a fish.
lots of water always helps to clear everything out faster.
and coffee.
i love drinking like a gallon of water when i get home from school, and then drinking coffee.
because i secretly love peeing. it makes me feel empty.
i havent peed today.
but thats because my body is dehydrated from all of these fucking laxatives.
but i cant help it.
and that only means i must drink two gallons of water today instead of just one.
and double the coffee tonight before i leave.

god have mercy on my bowels.

hmmm...

this week could have been so amazing.
i was being so good.

and then...

i blew it.
need i say more?

i feel really different right now than i think ive ever felt.
like...
i binged, but right now, i do not care.

i'm almost sick and tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. i hate that i do this to mysefl, and it only pays off until i backtrack.

i think i may take a break for a little while?
after this month is over, starting november first.
no more than a month or so..
but i want to try to do this the "healthy" way... you know, like 4 small meals a day?
i've done this before, and it worked just as well, except a little bit slower.

my goal was to get to 140 by the end of this year, and i'm pretty sure i will get there.
i just need time to think, to clear my head.
i want to try to water fast for the week before november, to get all this out of my system, and start fresh in november.

as for right now...
my kitchen is devouring me.
faster than i am devouring everything in it.

hugs n kisses

i just did something incredible

i ate so much just now. and didnt gain anything at all.......
here's the list:
4 pancakes
3 peanut butter sandwiches
2 bowls of ramen noodles
2 poptarts
2 bagels
2 bowls of cereal
3 veggie burgers
a huge bowl of mixed steamed vegetables

and guess where it is right now?

down my kitchen sink :0

i just chewed up like a months worth of food...
and spit it out into the sink.....

and even though im like 156 right now because i had a juice binge last night, i feel on top of the world!
because i have gone all day with no calories!
and i've gone like almost a week with no food at all!
(only cuz mom made me eat :P)

but yeah :)
coffee anyone?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeep :]

so happy.
this one will be quick ill update later.

but everything is so amazing right now.
im on top of the world :]
if anyone would like to donate a juicer... lol jk
yay for weight loss :D

im back, sorry :]

I've had way too much time to think about things.
But in a good way :]

I'm still fatfatfat, but I'm ok with it for now because as of yesterday my friend and I have contracted in blood not to consume any solids during the month of october.
SO it's liquids only for me until Halloween.

imma be so pretty :]