Tuesday, January 17, 2012

i really want to be a human.
like, way back when people lived in caves and had tribes and shit, all they did was hunt for food and travel and walk around and chill out next to a lake and shit. if you were a woman, you cooked food and took care of the children.
basically, humans were on a basic survival mode type of lifestyle, almost relying entirely on instinct to stay alive, sort of like how animals live.
in my opinion, humans are no different than animals. sure, we have our own languages and stuff, but just because we can't understand animals doesn't mean they don't have feelings like we do and wants and needs like we do.
i wish i could go live like an animal. not literally, but like have a cute little house and be with the man of my life and have babies and take care of them. and cook and clean and shit.
like housewifey, except i'm cooler than that lol
and also, i do actually want a job so i don't have to sit home and do speed all day to keep myself entertained. and also i need a job because im not trying to be one of those like lazy soccer moms who depend solely on their husbands for money. not happening.

the basic point of all this is i want to live, and feed my body when it's hungry, and drink water when i'm thirsty, and run when i feel like running, and dance and sing when i feel like dancing and singing, and have wild passionate sex and then one day let myself get pregnant. i want more than anything to be the mother of cody's kids one day and live happily ever after with him, and i honestly sometimes think that i've fucked up my insides so much that i might not be able to have children. it's the saddest part about going through this because idk how much damage is done and idk if i can reverse it or not.

but if i can reverse it, if there's even the slightest possibility, the i'm damn sure i'm gonna try.
i haven't purged in 19 days, and i have only "binged" like maybe twice, but it wasn't a real binge it was like 4 slices of pizza for dinner type of thing. i feel really proud of myself and cody's proud of me too, and even if there's damage i've done to myself that i can't undo, every step i take to try and make myself better is still worth it because there could be other benefits besides just undoing damage. i have the power to make myself better than ever.
and if i have enough willpower to starve myself for days and to throw up meals and binges then i definitely have the willpower to be healthy :)


  1. You can do it!! Wow, I'm so proud of you. I'm on the road to being healthy as well. We can do it :)

  2. Bloody OATH!

    *Grabs you and dances around*

    I feel like dancing and singing. Shall we dance and sing for a while? Do you like 'Still Alive' from Portal?