Monday, January 2, 2012

:) happy new year!

ok, so a lot has happened in just a few short days, but i have a lot of pictures i want to show you all to help narrate the story.
last wednesday, i took one hit of acid at like 2pm, and locked myself in my room all day. i spent like 5 hours drawing this picture (i'm not finished yet)the whole time i'm getting tangled in the spirals and i can literally see my hands being wrapped up in these vine-like twisty things, and my brain was going 200mph the whole time. i stood up and went to my window at some point, and i opened the blinds and looked out. the sun was really bright at first but i saw the palm trees and the bridge near my dorm and everything looked so beautiful and it occurred to me that i worry about a lot of little details that do not really matter at all. all the little things that i obsess over are just minor details in the grand scheme of things and it's unnecessary because it doesnt help me progress as a person at all and it definitely isnt helping me find my place in the world and its not making me happy.

i realized that all i have ever really wanted in life was just to be happy. and in order for that to happen, i need to take better care of myself. do you guys remember right before jake died last spring when i was running and eating super healthy and i felt fucking amazing all the time because i was the healthiest i had been for the first time in five years, and i really do miss that because i looked better then too. i was always smiling and glowing and it's because i was eating better and i wasn't purging everyday. i miss being able to do that and feel that way and i know deep down inside that i need to get back to that because it's the only way my brain will be able to function well enough for me to figure out what i need to do with my life.
how am i supposed to figure out what i want if my brain can't even function properly because it's starving and deteriorating and decomposing inside my head?
i need to stop treating myself like dirt. i don't know why i deserve any better than this, but something deep down is telling me that there is so much more than this. so my new year's resolution is to start taking those baby steps again. i haven't purged in 4 days, i think that's a good start. i've eaten at least something everyday for those four days, so that's even better.

IT WON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. i need to realize this. i need to forgive myself, and learn to stop obsessing over my mistakes and learn from them and let them go.

my friend cody is helping me tremendously. he loves me so much. he tries so hard to convince me that i deserve better than this, and even though i don't believe him, i hate seeing him get hurt over and over again because of this eating disorder. it has dissolved almost all of my personality and my life. i catch myself letting it speak for me and make excuses for me more and more and i just can't fucking take it anymore. cody is the only one who knows everything about this and i do love him and knowing that this monster inside of me is lashing out at him just isn't acceptable anymore.
i've told him about my hair falling out, my skin literally falling off of my body because it's so dry, my teeth hurting and being paper thin, my nails peeling off of my fingers because they're so thin and brittle and weak, my skin turning purple when it's 70 degrees outside because my body can't make heat anymore, this cold that i've had for over a month because i basically dont have an immune system anymore, how i haven't had a period in like a year because of my birth control and when im not on birth control i dont eat so i wont have a period and how its fucking up my lady organs. he told me that im the only girl he would ever consider to be the mother of his children one day. and i cried because i dont even know if my lady parts are working properly, and if they arent then i dont know if the damage i have done to myself is reversible or not. i feel really bad about that, and i want to do anything i can to fix as much as i can so i can be there for him like he is being for me.
(also, just fyi, sex while dehydrated SUCKS because my vag cant even create fluids so it just hurts sometimes and i miss it feeling amazing)

so yeah. i've tried to get healthy before and even though i didn't stick with it for too long, i feel like i already know how to do it so it should be no problem. i KNOW i can do this, and i need to do it. i don't necessarily want to 100% but i know that if i keep treating myself like this that i could fall over dead without warning at any moment because i can feel my body wanting to just give out. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i don't want to die because of a stupid childish disease. it's going to be a slow process. it's not going to happen overnight. it might not even happen this year but i'll do my best.

other than that, btw, cody and i are officially "dating" :) he kissed me at midnight on new year's and asked me to be his girlfriend officially instead of just "on the down low", and i said yes.
OH and also, pictures from new years eve rave :)

my friend DJ Jonny tearin it up!

one of my friends candyflipped and danced with glow sticks all night. she was fucking awesome!

the best people ever, my wolves :)

i painted this on cody's back with glow in the dark paint :)

cody and i :) we rolled face lol
it was the best night ever. and i actually have been pretty happy the last few days. this year has started out in the most perfect way, and i sort of feel like the planets are aligning or something because things are falling into place kind of and in order for me to fall into my place the right way i have to take care of myself so i can be there for the people around me. i just want to live for once instead of trying so hard to die. dying is lonely, and i have a really amazing group of friends that i feel like i'm just telling to fuck off. and that doesn't feel like me at all. so i'm going to find myself again and throw all this shit down the toilet for the last time.

happy new year everyone. <3


  1. OmmyGAWD I'm so coming to one of your parties if I ever get my ass to the USA ok? A reward for braving the terrifying USA airport customs. (I know not to pat the drug dogs, one of my ex-friends did and got stripsearched. Lol, he does look like the poster child for Hitler Youth though :x) I'll even bring my fire hoop! Are there places to get firetoy fuel near you?

    YES. YES. YES YES YES YES YESYESYESYES! The ONLY thing in life that really matters is doing the things you enjoy that make you happy. Take that car out of the shed, give it a tune up and start warming up the engine. (Lol, motorhead metaphor for slowly working back into healthy-body habits) You know how to do it, that hard part will be finding the willpower to stick it out long-term when the bad habits start singing their siren song. You CAN be happy, you DESERVE to be happy. Don't listen to anything that tries to tell you otherwise.

    Suicide is slow and lonely. That's why I alienated everyone when I wasn't sure I'd survive 2011 and now have pretty much no friends. Oh well, I know there are a few who understand/still give a fuck. Star from the knitting squad actually came to find me at work coz she was worried about me! I nearly cried in front of the Evil Midget ^.^;

    OMG YAY YOU LIKE PONIES TOOOOOO! *Brohoof* I found a pony name maker, my RL name becomes 'Dawn Breeze', my blogger name (More my real name than my real one) becomes 'Vanilla Beam' and my craft blog name become 'Minty Hooves' >.< Lol it says yours 'H-H' becomes 'Swirly Shy' Lol, the quiet pony in the corner with the the pretty hookah who everyone wants to come talk to and try to convince to dance :D

    I hope your January and the rest of you 2012 and FOR EVER is brilliant and fantastic and full of Epic Win!


  2. P.S.
    Yay ponies! :D

    Awww don't cry! D:

    Lol there seems to be a group on every campus! I'll definitely bring my hoop. I'm saving up for it right now, I don't actually own it yet but I will very very soon.

    Lets make this year a one where we are BOTH happy. Deal?

  3. oo glad i stumbled on this lol...acid leads to wisdom and revelations! im stoping binging too....conversations with god is an amazing book you might like, btw. glad u forgave myself that is needed to move on, and let the past ne forgotton, for it doenst exist !

  4. Just started following your blog and I LOVE IT. We totoally have similar interest. Looking forward to reading!!