i took 5 hits of acid friday night, and learned a lot about the people around me and about myself. except, i feel like a different person, like personality-wise. all my thoughts are sort of empty. i still feel emotions when they are provoked by outside stimulus, but my insides feel sort of blank. it’s kind of peaceful to not have all the feelings inside that i used to though, because they were really irrational and they drove me insane.

i feel really separated from society now though, and i think i always felt this way but i tried so hard to conform to society’s ideals that i didn’t realize how absurd that actually is. fuck society. i’m not like most people, and i don’t want a life like most people do. i know there’s something more out there and i need to find it.

also, i think i perma-tripped. sometimes i think i see things out of the corner of my eye that aren’t there when i look at them face-on. this would drive a normal person insane, but i guess i know deep inside its just the drugs and there’s nothing i can do about it really lol

it kind of lets me see my own little world that i live in all the time instead of just when i’m tripping, which is kind of cool, and i know i can ignore it when i need to because i know it’s not real.

i think i have a lot to think about…

so i woke up like, on the verge of tears, for no reason, and i really want to cry but i have to go to work and deal with people and their bullshit all day so i have to suck it up :(
idk why im sad all of a sudden
maybe its the birth control. ugh.
i would give anything to binge and purge right now but i'm at my bf's dorm and his roommate is awake.
and the worst part is not knowing if i'm glad he is awake or if i'm pissed the fuck off that he's awake :(

i really want to be a human.
like, way back when people lived in caves and had tribes and shit, all they did was hunt for food and travel and walk around and chill out next to a lake and shit. if you were a woman, you cooked food and took care of the children.
basically, humans were on a basic survival mode type of lifestyle, almost relying entirely on instinct to stay alive, sort of like how animals live.
in my opinion, humans are no different than animals. sure, we have our own languages and stuff, but just because we can't understand animals doesn't mean they don't have feelings like we do and wants and needs like we do.
i wish i could go live like an animal. not literally, but like have a cute little house and be with the man of my life and have babies and take care of them. and cook and clean and shit.
like housewifey, except i'm cooler than that lol
and also, i do actually want a job so i don't have to sit home and do speed all day to keep myself entertained. and also i need a job because im not trying to be one of those like lazy soccer moms who depend solely on their husbands for money. not happening.

the basic point of all this is i want to live, and feed my body when it's hungry, and drink water when i'm thirsty, and run when i feel like running, and dance and sing when i feel like dancing and singing, and have wild passionate sex and then one day let myself get pregnant. i want more than anything to be the mother of cody's kids one day and live happily ever after with him, and i honestly sometimes think that i've fucked up my insides so much that i might not be able to have children. it's the saddest part about going through this because idk how much damage is done and idk if i can reverse it or not.

but if i can reverse it, if there's even the slightest possibility, the i'm damn sure i'm gonna try.
i haven't purged in 19 days, and i have only "binged" like maybe twice, but it wasn't a real binge it was like 4 slices of pizza for dinner type of thing. i feel really proud of myself and cody's proud of me too, and even if there's damage i've done to myself that i can't undo, every step i take to try and make myself better is still worth it because there could be other benefits besides just undoing damage. i have the power to make myself better than ever.
and if i have enough willpower to starve myself for days and to throw up meals and binges then i definitely have the willpower to be healthy :)

:) happy new year!

ok, so a lot has happened in just a few short days, but i have a lot of pictures i want to show you all to help narrate the story.
last wednesday, i took one hit of acid at like 2pm, and locked myself in my room all day. i spent like 5 hours drawing this picture (i'm not finished yet)the whole time i'm getting tangled in the spirals and i can literally see my hands being wrapped up in these vine-like twisty things, and my brain was going 200mph the whole time. i stood up and went to my window at some point, and i opened the blinds and looked out. the sun was really bright at first but i saw the palm trees and the bridge near my dorm and everything looked so beautiful and it occurred to me that i worry about a lot of little details that do not really matter at all. all the little things that i obsess over are just minor details in the grand scheme of things and it's unnecessary because it doesnt help me progress as a person at all and it definitely isnt helping me find my place in the world and its not making me happy.

i realized that all i have ever really wanted in life was just to be happy. and in order for that to happen, i need to take better care of myself. do you guys remember right before jake died last spring when i was running and eating super healthy and i felt fucking amazing all the time because i was the healthiest i had been for the first time in five years, and i really do miss that because i looked better then too. i was always smiling and glowing and it's because i was eating better and i wasn't purging everyday. i miss being able to do that and feel that way and i know deep down inside that i need to get back to that because it's the only way my brain will be able to function well enough for me to figure out what i need to do with my life.
how am i supposed to figure out what i want if my brain can't even function properly because it's starving and deteriorating and decomposing inside my head?
i need to stop treating myself like dirt. i don't know why i deserve any better than this, but something deep down is telling me that there is so much more than this. so my new year's resolution is to start taking those baby steps again. i haven't purged in 4 days, i think that's a good start. i've eaten at least something everyday for those four days, so that's even better.

IT WON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. i need to realize this. i need to forgive myself, and learn to stop obsessing over my mistakes and learn from them and let them go.

my friend cody is helping me tremendously. he loves me so much. he tries so hard to convince me that i deserve better than this, and even though i don't believe him, i hate seeing him get hurt over and over again because of this eating disorder. it has dissolved almost all of my personality and my life. i catch myself letting it speak for me and make excuses for me more and more and i just can't fucking take it anymore. cody is the only one who knows everything about this and i do love him and knowing that this monster inside of me is lashing out at him just isn't acceptable anymore.
i've told him about my hair falling out, my skin literally falling off of my body because it's so dry, my teeth hurting and being paper thin, my nails peeling off of my fingers because they're so thin and brittle and weak, my skin turning purple when it's 70 degrees outside because my body can't make heat anymore, this cold that i've had for over a month because i basically dont have an immune system anymore, how i haven't had a period in like a year because of my birth control and when im not on birth control i dont eat so i wont have a period and how its fucking up my lady organs. he told me that im the only girl he would ever consider to be the mother of his children one day. and i cried because i dont even know if my lady parts are working properly, and if they arent then i dont know if the damage i have done to myself is reversible or not. i feel really bad about that, and i want to do anything i can to fix as much as i can so i can be there for him like he is being for me.
(also, just fyi, sex while dehydrated SUCKS because my vag cant even create fluids so it just hurts sometimes and i miss it feeling amazing)

so yeah. i've tried to get healthy before and even though i didn't stick with it for too long, i feel like i already know how to do it so it should be no problem. i KNOW i can do this, and i need to do it. i don't necessarily want to 100% but i know that if i keep treating myself like this that i could fall over dead without warning at any moment because i can feel my body wanting to just give out. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i don't want to die because of a stupid childish disease. it's going to be a slow process. it's not going to happen overnight. it might not even happen this year but i'll do my best.

other than that, btw, cody and i are officially "dating" :) he kissed me at midnight on new year's and asked me to be his girlfriend officially instead of just "on the down low", and i said yes.
OH and also, pictures from new years eve rave :)

my friend DJ Jonny tearin it up!

one of my friends candyflipped and danced with glow sticks all night. she was fucking awesome!

the best people ever, my wolves :)

i painted this on cody's back with glow in the dark paint :)

cody and i :) we rolled face lol
it was the best night ever. and i actually have been pretty happy the last few days. this year has started out in the most perfect way, and i sort of feel like the planets are aligning or something because things are falling into place kind of and in order for me to fall into my place the right way i have to take care of myself so i can be there for the people around me. i just want to live for once instead of trying so hard to die. dying is lonely, and i have a really amazing group of friends that i feel like i'm just telling to fuck off. and that doesn't feel like me at all. so i'm going to find myself again and throw all this shit down the toilet for the last time.

happy new year everyone. <3