i do hope everyone as a good christmas though, mine will be a well-needed break from work and purging i am hoping <3

im just sad right now, i'll catch up with you guys's blogs soon, i promise, you know i always do <3

cody got me a pretty bong for christmas :D

what i ate today:

milk in my coffee, sliced soy "turkey", quinoa with broccoli and cheese, mixed nuts, cake, rice crispy treat, black beans, green beans, cereal, cranberries... 1500 calories

what i purged today:
ice cream, waffles, cereal, cake, milk, pbj sammich, bagels, grilled cheese, poptart

i need weed. now.

it's winter break. all my friends went home but i stayed on campus so i can make it to work. my only priority until january 4th is work, which means i have time to work out now. also, i will be making a shit ton of money :)
i'm hoping to be like 137 by new years. 137 at the most. idk what i weigh now, last time i checked i was 143, so i have 6 pounds to lose.
with how little i've been eating, and how may days a week i walk to work, and how much i plan on lifting weights, i think i can do it.
i need to buy a scale for my dorm.

i miss you guys. i've been so busy with work and school and drugs :/ ugh lol

i cried for an hour on acid. the depths of my soul were opened up to me and like poured over me and it was dark and cold and empty. i am a horrible person. i'm basically a drug dealer's booty call and i sell drugs and i'm the one responsible for it and i don't even care. i love my life and knowing that i love it makes me so sad because i don't want to be a bad person and i don't want to feel bad about myself, but when you realize you have nothing left to live for you latch on to the only thing available to give your life meaning, and for me that was drugs simply because they fuck me up and i honestly just want to fuck everything up and die. i honestly don't want to live.
but i'm too much of a pussy to kill myself.

like where the fuck did all this come from? it was so random, but so true :(

so i went to a club with this guy and we made out a lot and danced and got drunk and had sex
and now cody is upset
i mean, i feel horrible about it because i love cody
but were not in a relationship, and he told me he wouldn't care if i had sex with other people
but then he said "well if i was drunk with a girl i couldn't sleep with her because she's not you"
and im just like
well fuck everything then, you should have told me that before i slept with another guy
:(
like, as if i didnt feel bad enough already...
and cody has been really depressed lately so like he stopped being all cute and sweet with me and stuff so i was just like wtf like i felt like he was ignoring me
and i tried to give him space, and i tried to smother him with love, and neither of those worked

so now i dont know what to do
except cry, and be sad

except big girls dont cry
so i binge and purge instead
why is that the fucking answer to fucking everything?!

i am a fat piggy piggy oink oink oink!