i apologize

i took a break. the worst idea ever. i had some good days, and some really really bad days.

and i made the mistake of telling my boyfriend about my eating disorder.and he made me tell my mom. and they are making me go to a therapist. and even though im pissed at him for making me tell my mom im really glad that they arent trying to stop me. and plus, ive needed a therapist for so long for many other problems so im glad about that part.

also, i finally am able to come to terms with things that have happened in my past. i finally told my mom that the reason ive hated her for so long is because when i was 8 her boyfriend at the time, who is my brothers father, molested me, and ive been so utterly fucked up ever since, its unreal. and i finally told my mom and now she understands why i hated her so much. mostly because every time they got in a fihgt and he would beat her and me and my baby brother and they broke up but she would always take him back even though i tried to convince her that he was an awful person, the worst excuse for a man ever, and she never listened to me. but i never told her what happened because i knew she had way too much to deal with and i didnt want to add to her problems, because my existance felt like problem enough.
i've always felt dirty, disgusting, worthless, not good enough for anyone, never pretty enough or smart enough.
i thought that if i hid in my room and because i was always obese as a child that nobody would ever touch me like that again. but i always hated being fat and gross and all the tiny girls were always so happy and i wanted to be happy and then i got tired of being fat and i thought that if i was skinny enough that i could be happy and nobody would use me for that again.
i always felt that he controlled me whenever i ate anything, and i didnt want him to control me anymore, and thats when i started trying to lose weight.
and here i am now, with a full blown fucking monster inside of me controlling me controlling every fucking thing i do. she tells me when to eat, when to throw up, when to take laxatives. she tells me not to eat for three days, to be empty and clean and not dirty anymore. and then something else takes over and its like he is choking her and he makes me eat and i have to eat to burry the memories like i used to when i was little because if i burry them deep down inside then its like it never happened.

and throwing up is the best release.
its like when you take a long drag from a cigarette, and hold it in your lungs as long as you can until it burns, and then you exhale and all the problems flow out of my body with the smoke.
i dont know.

i did really really well this week. my highest weight since ive been away was back up to 170, but this week i got back down to 155. and then i went out and got drunk/high/fucked up and my best friend and i went to dennys to binge on endless pancakes. so im probably back where i started.
but ive been here before, so theres nowhere but up from here. ive been here so many times im pretty much a pro at the after-binge fixes.

im sorry ive been away so long. ive been so ashamed lately. it just got really bad and i never expected to ever have to deal with these things and for some reason they are coming out more and more often now and ive found myself crying more and i honestly do not know why.
and i couldnt even read most of your blogs because i felt like i let myself go way too far. but im back now, and even though i have to go through therapy again, i will not let myself down.
im going to tell them most things, but not everything. theres no way im stopping this now. i cant let her go yet.
i need her now more than ever.