Take that! Here's what I did:
rode bike to the track- 30 minutes
walked 4 laps- 20 minutes
ran up and down stairs- 10 minutes
ran lap- 5 minutes
ran up and down more stairs- 5 minutes
ran another lap- 5 minutes
ran up and down stairs- 10 minutes
walked another 4 laps- 20 minutes
rode bike home- 30 minutes
And I rested for 5 minutes in between each segment. Longest workout I've ever done in my life.
I'm a beast. :) I burned almost 2000 calories, in three hours :))
And I don't feel like bingeing anymore. In fact, my mom made pizza, which usually I would be hovering over like a hawk either scarfing down the whole thing and making another one, or goggling over with my drool dripping all over it. But here's the thing: I have been vegan for only three weeks, and already it makes me want to vomit just smelling the stuff. I mean, honestly, I can smell the cheese, and this time, it smells kind of... sour. Not to mention when I looked at it, it was all shiny from the grease. That's just disgusting. That oil turns into fat on your body, and it jiggles like jello when you walk. That alone is enough to keep me from inhaling it in one bite. Well, that and the fact that they make cheese out of cow placenta. I mean really, who wants to eat placenta?!?!! That's like shoving your face up a cow's vagina and going "nom nom nom nom!!!!"
Ew.
So, yes, I conquered a binge!!!! Hoo-ray! I don't think it's ever been that bad before, the urge I mean. I was literally in tears, goggling at the peanut butter, wanting to eat every singly particle in the jar. But instead, I drank a whole bottle of water, and worked my ass off in the hot sun for three hours. And I feel fantastic. I feel as strong as Mr. Clean :) He's got some awesome muscles. For a guy, I mean. I would never want to look like him eeeew. Lol.
So, no food for the rest of today, no calories tomorrow, and hopefully none on Thursday untill nighttime. It's my three months anniversary with my boyfriend, and because he loves food so much, and because I found low calorie, whole weat pasta, I'm making a spaghetti picnic for us in the park. Complete with candles, garlic bread, and instead of wine, soy smoothies :) I know, it's all mushy-lovey and stuff, but hey, what else am I gonna do with all this free time? Besides exercise three hours a day and update mydailyplate and my blogger constantly... I have a whole plan of what I'm doing every second of every minute on Thursday, all typed up, and ready for me to follow. That's what I do instead of eat food, I make lists. Lol.
But I think that comes with my OCD, because I have always made lists... of everything... what colors match together, how many calories you burn doing virtually any type of physical activity, every food under 50 calories.. yeah. Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling, but it's keeping me sane and out of the kitchen, so I'm happy :)
Oh and one more thing... I'm on my period. No wonder I was so emotional earlier today. At least I know it's not my brain telling me to eat. I wish my vagina would shut up and stop trying to take over. No, I do not REALLY want to eat chocolate, my vag just wants me to.
Well fuck you mother nature.
I'm not gonna give up because of you, or anyone else.
Take that!
:) hehe
<3
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
warning, this blog contains triggers and really is only me talking to myself
thats how i feel right now. sorry another shit-written post but i just need to get this out i feel so weak right now . i just got home from the beach i didnt eat like a whole lot but i did eat fuit and most of my sandwich and swedish fish and now i really really really have to go to the track to avoid a binge i need to get out of my house i feel like im going insane i want to binge so bad i wanna go make blueberry oatmeal pancakes and cookies and veggie burgers and eat triscuits and the rest of that peanut butter i got home and my stomach was all like "its my time now" and im trying really hard to resisit it and i knew if i blogged about it that it would keep me distracted enough until my water freezes and then i can go to the track and not come home untill way too late for dinner and if im still hungry maybe eat a lot of lettuce. because lettuce is safe. maybe even celery. with mustard. cuz theres no calories. my intake for today: 400 calories. i hate myself. no, i dont, its ok, its ok, i dont need more food, just calm down.....when i get to the track im doing everything double today so it will take longer and then i will feel better i dont need food i dont need it its ok it will be ok if i just get out of my house im going to get my water and my bike and just leave because after i exercise i will feel better and i wont even want to eat anymore
i blogged in hopes of making myself less emotional about this. thank god it worked. even though i feel like an insane person. but starving does that to you. wait, no i ate today. im starving tomorrow.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i really need to go but i cant make myself go please somebody make me go so i wont eat my mom probably knows something is up now because i just started crying ok im leaving before she starts asking questions omg why does my house small like peanut butter it smells so good oh my fucking jesus christ in heaven i must leave this house right now
i blogged in hopes of making myself less emotional about this. thank god it worked. even though i feel like an insane person. but starving does that to you. wait, no i ate today. im starving tomorrow.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i really need to go but i cant make myself go please somebody make me go so i wont eat my mom probably knows something is up now because i just started crying ok im leaving before she starts asking questions omg why does my house small like peanut butter it smells so good oh my fucking jesus christ in heaven i must leave this house right now
ugh.
i ate the yogurt last night. with some fruit. about 150 calories. sorry this post will be shitty looking, im trying tohurry. were going to the beach :/// i didnt even workout at all yesterday. i may be able to get in a few crunches before we go, and some when we get there before lots of people get there i hope maybe 100 at least??
im drinking lots of coffee because it has no calories, but i like it when mydailyplate is balanced, so im gonna drink some soymilk for protein :D
im taking some frozen fruit to the beach, just so they cant say i never eat anything. my bf is going and he watches me sometimes, so if im eating even a little he wont notice a thing i hope.
wish me luck. im going to need it.
must must must get to the track this afternoon. i dont care how late it is, when i get home im going. and thats that!
<3
im drinking lots of coffee because it has no calories, but i like it when mydailyplate is balanced, so im gonna drink some soymilk for protein :D
im taking some frozen fruit to the beach, just so they cant say i never eat anything. my bf is going and he watches me sometimes, so if im eating even a little he wont notice a thing i hope.
wish me luck. im going to need it.
must must must get to the track this afternoon. i dont care how late it is, when i get home im going. and thats that!
<3
Monday, June 29, 2009
burgers????
I just got done cooking dinner, because apparently now I'm head chef in my household. Oh joy... But hey, at least I can trick my family into eating right :) I made portabella mushroom burgers. Only 162 calories per serving. Go me. So after that, my total for the day will be 334 calories. I may even have some soy yogurt for dessert, with some blueberries. Ooohh.... that sounds good. Maybe not. It sounds too good.... I'm setting today's limit at 500 calories. Except I didn't get to go run today because it rained :/ So that means tomorrow I'm definitely doing double time. And when mom goes to sleep, I'm shutting the door and doing Tae-Bo in my bedroom for maybe an hour. That will burn 518 calories, and I'll be at a 704 calorie deficit. Yay!
I love seeing the negative sign on my net calories on mydailyplatee. It makes me smile :)
<333
I love seeing the negative sign on my net calories on mydailyplatee. It makes me smile :)
<333
control time
Ok so I decided to eat today. I'm eating the grated apple stuff I made, but only 1/4 of it because it has a lot of calories because there's walnuts in it. And 1/4 cup of oatmeal. Along with my coffee. And my goal was to drink a whole 24 ounce bottle of water during breakfast and when the bottle is empty, it's time to stop. And it worked :) If I take a sip between every tiny bite, it's really no big deal :) And even though I've eaten so little, I feel full.
My plan was to eat this for breakfast, a small salad for lunch before I go run, and maybe another salad or some v8 juice for dinner, but my mom wants to go out today :/ So That means I probably won't get a salad for lunch, which is good, but it decreases my chances of getting to go run because my boyfriend is coming over so it kind of is a good thing because I'll be skipping lunch and having dinner instead.
So I'm not really happy about going out, but not really sad either. Idk. Oh well. I can't control everything.
But I can control what I eat :)
Go me :))
According to thedailyplate.com, so far I've only had 175 calories.
Which is more than I've had in three days, but not by too much. And it can very easilt be burnt off WHEN I go running this afternoon.
Stay strong girls! We'll make it!!
<33333
My plan was to eat this for breakfast, a small salad for lunch before I go run, and maybe another salad or some v8 juice for dinner, but my mom wants to go out today :/ So That means I probably won't get a salad for lunch, which is good, but it decreases my chances of getting to go run because my boyfriend is coming over so it kind of is a good thing because I'll be skipping lunch and having dinner instead.
So I'm not really happy about going out, but not really sad either. Idk. Oh well. I can't control everything.
But I can control what I eat :)
Go me :))
According to thedailyplate.com, so far I've only had 175 calories.
Which is more than I've had in three days, but not by too much. And it can very easilt be burnt off WHEN I go running this afternoon.
Stay strong girls! We'll make it!!
<33333
Sunday, June 28, 2009
im lovin it :)
The Daily Plate that is. It's really helping me alot. Like I know if I binge, I'll have to post everything I ate, which would be waaaayyy too time consuming, so if I think about that, then maybe I won't binge :)
Today I had a resting day.
I looked through magazines all day, and cut stuff out that I liked, like words and pictures and random things. Yes, it was a good destraction.
Then when I got hungry, I remembered that I told my mom I would make some grated apples today, so I did that. And I took a really long time making them. I love making grated apples. With a cheese grater :)) Sprinkle cinnamon and your choice of nust on top, and voila! I actually made a lot more than I planned on, but oh well. At least my brother will have something good to snack on. And I didn't eat any, because preparing it was enough. Like just smelling the apples was enough to make me not really hungry I guess. Idk. But I drank water like the whole time, so that's probably why I felt so full.
Then I took a steaming hot bubbley bath with lavendar oils and lit some candles.
And now I'm going to maybe stretch and do some yoga before bed.
Today has been a good day :)
Day Three of not eating a whole lot: SUCCESS
<3
Today I had a resting day.
I looked through magazines all day, and cut stuff out that I liked, like words and pictures and random things. Yes, it was a good destraction.
Then when I got hungry, I remembered that I told my mom I would make some grated apples today, so I did that. And I took a really long time making them. I love making grated apples. With a cheese grater :)) Sprinkle cinnamon and your choice of nust on top, and voila! I actually made a lot more than I planned on, but oh well. At least my brother will have something good to snack on. And I didn't eat any, because preparing it was enough. Like just smelling the apples was enough to make me not really hungry I guess. Idk. But I drank water like the whole time, so that's probably why I felt so full.
Then I took a steaming hot bubbley bath with lavendar oils and lit some candles.
And now I'm going to maybe stretch and do some yoga before bed.
Today has been a good day :)
Day Three of not eating a whole lot: SUCCESS
<3
plans for today
I was planning on laying out for about an hour, to keep my tan. But I just printed a bunch of stuff off of fading-obsession.com and I think I'm going to devote today to my thinspo journal. I haven't really used it this summer as much as I would have liked to, mostly because I either don't have time or don't want to write down all the horrible things I've eaten. But I'm going to write in it today, and copy down some of the general info stuff, and tips/tricks/distractions...stuff like that. I may even make another collage. I love making collages. So far, I have fifteen in the back of my journal. Pictures of beautiful girls I've found in magazines, online, etc... I wish I could print off my thinspo collection and make a really big collage, but my printer is almost out of ink, and I wouldn't have anywhere to hide it. I really want to make a whole wall of my bedroom nothing but thinspo, but my mom would freak. But if I could do that, it really would be amazing. I could look at it everyday... when I want to eat, while I'm exercising, while I'm looking in the mirror. When I get my own apartment I'm definitely going to do that.
Another thing I'm going to do, if I don't move in with my boyfriend, is never ever buy food. My best friend said she would come live with em and help pay rent and we could keep each other from eating. God what I wouldn't give for that. That would be so perfect. We would only buy salad stuff and water and raw food vegan stuff like fresh veggies and fruits, and absolutely no animal products or anything with added chemicals or sugar. And water. Lots and lots of water. I would bring my exercise bike, along with my real bike, and also all of my corny 1980s dance aerobics. And my yoga stuff. And all my free weights. And we would make a whole wall of our apartment dedicated to pictures of all the thin and beautiful people whom we will look like one day. We would have to hide this wall, so maybe we would put it in one of our bedrooms, or somewhere where we could hang a curtain over it or something. Like how people hang pretty rugs on walls sometimes? Yeah, that would work. Gosh that would be really amazing. It would be so easy to lose weight. We would be with each other all the time, 24/7 competition, and I know it would help us both keep from bingeing. That's the worse. The two times we have binged together, it was horrible, and I know the first time it happened I really didn't want to break my fast, and if I would have been just a little bit more stubborn, it could have been avoided. And I know she really didn't want to inge when we ate all that cereal, so together we could keep each other from doing this. And if we lived together, with all of our vegan food, there wouldn't be much to binge from anyways, because it would all be really healthy food, so it wouldn't really be like a binge. And neither of us eats fast foods so that wouldn't be a problem. Oh and I almost forgot, we would always have Shirataki noodles. I really want to try them. They supposively have no calories. I don't know why, but for some reason noodles with chocolate syrup sounds really really good, and Publix has no-cal chocolate syrup, so if I only ate that, I could lose a whole lot of weight, and maybe drop down to 115. I can see us now, wearing each other's clothes, because we'll be the same size, and helping each other stay focused. And exercising together constantly.
I can't wait to go to college.
One more year, one more year, one more year...
I'm in a dreamy kind of mood today. It's kind of cool. I had coffee for breakfast with cream and sugar because the kind I have now tastes really weird black. Up to 86 calories. I might let myself go to 150 today, but liquids only. And I need to drink my soymilk, because it has protein in it, and the 8th continent kind only has 50 calories per serving. So that will be 136 calories. Then I might drink a sip or two of v8 juice. I was thinking of going to the track today, but I may just do some crunches, and take it easy. It's good to take breaks from exercise, right? I'll go tomorrow. Take the weekend off. Relax. I might take a bubble bath tonight :) With some lavender oils. And epsom salt. Yeah. And dream some more :)
Sounds good to me.
Stay strong, my pretties!
<3
Another thing I'm going to do, if I don't move in with my boyfriend, is never ever buy food. My best friend said she would come live with em and help pay rent and we could keep each other from eating. God what I wouldn't give for that. That would be so perfect. We would only buy salad stuff and water and raw food vegan stuff like fresh veggies and fruits, and absolutely no animal products or anything with added chemicals or sugar. And water. Lots and lots of water. I would bring my exercise bike, along with my real bike, and also all of my corny 1980s dance aerobics. And my yoga stuff. And all my free weights. And we would make a whole wall of our apartment dedicated to pictures of all the thin and beautiful people whom we will look like one day. We would have to hide this wall, so maybe we would put it in one of our bedrooms, or somewhere where we could hang a curtain over it or something. Like how people hang pretty rugs on walls sometimes? Yeah, that would work. Gosh that would be really amazing. It would be so easy to lose weight. We would be with each other all the time, 24/7 competition, and I know it would help us both keep from bingeing. That's the worse. The two times we have binged together, it was horrible, and I know the first time it happened I really didn't want to break my fast, and if I would have been just a little bit more stubborn, it could have been avoided. And I know she really didn't want to inge when we ate all that cereal, so together we could keep each other from doing this. And if we lived together, with all of our vegan food, there wouldn't be much to binge from anyways, because it would all be really healthy food, so it wouldn't really be like a binge. And neither of us eats fast foods so that wouldn't be a problem. Oh and I almost forgot, we would always have Shirataki noodles. I really want to try them. They supposively have no calories. I don't know why, but for some reason noodles with chocolate syrup sounds really really good, and Publix has no-cal chocolate syrup, so if I only ate that, I could lose a whole lot of weight, and maybe drop down to 115. I can see us now, wearing each other's clothes, because we'll be the same size, and helping each other stay focused. And exercising together constantly.
I can't wait to go to college.
One more year, one more year, one more year...
I'm in a dreamy kind of mood today. It's kind of cool. I had coffee for breakfast with cream and sugar because the kind I have now tastes really weird black. Up to 86 calories. I might let myself go to 150 today, but liquids only. And I need to drink my soymilk, because it has protein in it, and the 8th continent kind only has 50 calories per serving. So that will be 136 calories. Then I might drink a sip or two of v8 juice. I was thinking of going to the track today, but I may just do some crunches, and take it easy. It's good to take breaks from exercise, right? I'll go tomorrow. Take the weekend off. Relax. I might take a bubble bath tonight :) With some lavender oils. And epsom salt. Yeah. And dream some more :)
Sounds good to me.
Stay strong, my pretties!
<3
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I'm going insane.
I haven't been on a scale in over a week and I honestly have no clue what one would say if I were to get on one. I feel like I've lost weight, but a lot of the time it seems like even when I feel like I have, I haven't. Or I've gained some. Idk. But not knowing exactly how much I weight is driving me up the wall.
But I have this pair of shorts that my friend and I tried on, size 10, and when I tried them on last month, I could barely get them buttoned.. But now, even though they are really tight in the waist and I have to stand up really tall and suck in my gut in order to hide my gross muffin top, I can wear them out like in public if I choose to :D So that made me happy at least :) I think I'm going to wear them to my boyfriend's show tonight. With this cute tank top I have. I am so excited :))) I haven't seen him in almost two weeks. Maybe he will notice how small I'm getting this time? Since I'm going to show some skin and all... I hope so. He never says anything about it at all. But oh well. One of my best friends is coming over to spend the night after the show, and I haven't seen her in over a month, and I know she'll notice I'm losing weight. I've lost at least ten pounds this summer so far :) YAY! And she doesn't really eat a lot so I'm hoping that with the show being tonight we won't have to eat anything today :D Which is good, since I did eat 2 grapes today, with my three cups of coffee and one cup of soymilk... But I'm still below 200 calories so I'm doing rather well. And I have to go volunteer for two hours before the show so that takes care of me eating for today.
Tomorrow will be a different story... :/ I'm really going to have to test myself. But if I make it through tomorrow, then the next few days will be really easy :)
I'm excited.
I really wish I had a scale. The cheapest one I've found is $8.00..... and I only have three. In change. That I've found on the sidewalk. Hehehe.
Hmmm..... so yepp... Nothing really new.
Except that I feel pretty right now :)
Yay!!!!!!!
<3
But I have this pair of shorts that my friend and I tried on, size 10, and when I tried them on last month, I could barely get them buttoned.. But now, even though they are really tight in the waist and I have to stand up really tall and suck in my gut in order to hide my gross muffin top, I can wear them out like in public if I choose to :D So that made me happy at least :) I think I'm going to wear them to my boyfriend's show tonight. With this cute tank top I have. I am so excited :))) I haven't seen him in almost two weeks. Maybe he will notice how small I'm getting this time? Since I'm going to show some skin and all... I hope so. He never says anything about it at all. But oh well. One of my best friends is coming over to spend the night after the show, and I haven't seen her in over a month, and I know she'll notice I'm losing weight. I've lost at least ten pounds this summer so far :) YAY! And she doesn't really eat a lot so I'm hoping that with the show being tonight we won't have to eat anything today :D Which is good, since I did eat 2 grapes today, with my three cups of coffee and one cup of soymilk... But I'm still below 200 calories so I'm doing rather well. And I have to go volunteer for two hours before the show so that takes care of me eating for today.
Tomorrow will be a different story... :/ I'm really going to have to test myself. But if I make it through tomorrow, then the next few days will be really easy :)
I'm excited.
I really wish I had a scale. The cheapest one I've found is $8.00..... and I only have three. In change. That I've found on the sidewalk. Hehehe.
Hmmm..... so yepp... Nothing really new.
Except that I feel pretty right now :)
Yay!!!!!!!
<3
Friday, June 26, 2009
woooo!
According to my daily plate, Yesterday (even though I ate) I burned 3230, but yesterday I also consumed about 2730 calories.
Not so good :(
Today, however, I consumed 223 calories (of coffee, juice, and chocolate soymilk). It says that I burned about 1860 calories total today :) Now that I love to see :) And both days I had a calorie deficit, and my total deficit for yesterday and today is 2150, so if I go burn like 1350 more calories I will have lost a pound of fat! Yay! That can be burnt off easily tonight.. I burn 625 calories just by sleeping nine hours. And I'm planning on doing soem crunches tonight as well, and loads of them tomorrow :)
I'm so happy right now.
I went to the track today, and did waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than what I expected to :) I ran the equivalent to two laps instead of one :D I think next time I'm going to try running a half a lap without stopping instead of just a fourth. Finally! I'm so excited for this. I only have a month and a half untill school starts back, meaning a month and a half to get into good enough shape to be able to run at least a lap or two without stopping. Which si onyl half a mile, so it's not too impressive for most, but for me that is freaking amazing!!!
My favorite part about exercise is when I'm riding my bike home, and I'm almost home, and I remember that two hours ago, I soooo did not want to go outside in the heat, and work my body to its limits, and sweat (ew...). But by that point, I'm almost home, and I get this big smile on my face, and the most awesome warm feeling in my chest, like yes, I did it. I can be fit, and exercise like normal people do. I can do more than normal people do. I can do more than I ever dreamed I could will my body to do! Then when I get home, I put my bike away, I turn on the ceiling fan in the living room, I go get some icy cold water, and take every single thing off of my body (because nobody is home yet), including letting my hair down. And I lay down, stark naked, in the very center of my living room floor. I feel every muscle in my body pulse with my heartbeat. I can actually feel the blood pumping through my veins. And I catch my breath, under the cold air of my fan, and relax. Twenty minutes at least. I love it. I'm not even thinking about how gross my body is right now, because at this point in time, all I can feel when I close my eyes is the burn of my muscles. YES, I have muscles under there somewhere! And they burn! That means I did something right. And even though my stomach is still pudgey, and my thighs still jiggle when I walk, just knowing that I have muscle tissue underneath, waiting to emerge and face the world, is enough to make me forget how much I hate myself. How can I hate myself when I just finished pushing myself to the uppermost limit? To the very edge of the cliff of my willpower. I push myself primarily for these moments. It is these moments when I feel like I'm getting somewhere, like I'm working really hard to get what I want. To reach my ultimate goal of beauty and thinness. And even though I'm not there yet, it is these moments that keep me going strong. I will be thin one day., I'll prove it to my friends, my peers, my family. I'll prove it to the kids who made fun of me for being the fat kid in elementary school, to the skinny girls in the locker rooms in middle school, who would snicker behind my chubby back. I'll prove to my mother that I can be beautiful too, that I can lose weight. I'll show the whole entire world.
Heather can be pretty.
Just you wait and see.
<3
Not so good :(
Today, however, I consumed 223 calories (of coffee, juice, and chocolate soymilk). It says that I burned about 1860 calories total today :) Now that I love to see :) And both days I had a calorie deficit, and my total deficit for yesterday and today is 2150, so if I go burn like 1350 more calories I will have lost a pound of fat! Yay! That can be burnt off easily tonight.. I burn 625 calories just by sleeping nine hours. And I'm planning on doing soem crunches tonight as well, and loads of them tomorrow :)
I'm so happy right now.
I went to the track today, and did waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than what I expected to :) I ran the equivalent to two laps instead of one :D I think next time I'm going to try running a half a lap without stopping instead of just a fourth. Finally! I'm so excited for this. I only have a month and a half untill school starts back, meaning a month and a half to get into good enough shape to be able to run at least a lap or two without stopping. Which si onyl half a mile, so it's not too impressive for most, but for me that is freaking amazing!!!
My favorite part about exercise is when I'm riding my bike home, and I'm almost home, and I remember that two hours ago, I soooo did not want to go outside in the heat, and work my body to its limits, and sweat (ew...). But by that point, I'm almost home, and I get this big smile on my face, and the most awesome warm feeling in my chest, like yes, I did it. I can be fit, and exercise like normal people do. I can do more than normal people do. I can do more than I ever dreamed I could will my body to do! Then when I get home, I put my bike away, I turn on the ceiling fan in the living room, I go get some icy cold water, and take every single thing off of my body (because nobody is home yet), including letting my hair down. And I lay down, stark naked, in the very center of my living room floor. I feel every muscle in my body pulse with my heartbeat. I can actually feel the blood pumping through my veins. And I catch my breath, under the cold air of my fan, and relax. Twenty minutes at least. I love it. I'm not even thinking about how gross my body is right now, because at this point in time, all I can feel when I close my eyes is the burn of my muscles. YES, I have muscles under there somewhere! And they burn! That means I did something right. And even though my stomach is still pudgey, and my thighs still jiggle when I walk, just knowing that I have muscle tissue underneath, waiting to emerge and face the world, is enough to make me forget how much I hate myself. How can I hate myself when I just finished pushing myself to the uppermost limit? To the very edge of the cliff of my willpower. I push myself primarily for these moments. It is these moments when I feel like I'm getting somewhere, like I'm working really hard to get what I want. To reach my ultimate goal of beauty and thinness. And even though I'm not there yet, it is these moments that keep me going strong. I will be thin one day., I'll prove it to my friends, my peers, my family. I'll prove it to the kids who made fun of me for being the fat kid in elementary school, to the skinny girls in the locker rooms in middle school, who would snicker behind my chubby back. I'll prove to my mother that I can be beautiful too, that I can lose weight. I'll show the whole entire world.
Heather can be pretty.
Just you wait and see.
<3
i love coffee!!
"Coffee is also a powerful stimulant for peristalsis and is sometimes considered to prevent constipation. However, coffee can also cause excessively loose bowel movements. The stimulative effect of coffee consumption on the colon is found in both caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee.
Practitioners in alternative medicine often recommend coffee enemas for "cleansing of the colon" due to its stimulus of peristalsis, although mainstream medicine has not proved any benefits of the practice.
Contrary to popular belief, caffeine does not act as a diuretic when consumed in moderation, and does not lead to dehydration or to a water-electrolyte imbalance; current evidence suggests that caffeinated beverages contribute to the body's daily fluid requirements no differently than pure water does."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee_and_health
No wonder... :)
Practitioners in alternative medicine often recommend coffee enemas for "cleansing of the colon" due to its stimulus of peristalsis, although mainstream medicine has not proved any benefits of the practice.
Contrary to popular belief, caffeine does not act as a diuretic when consumed in moderation, and does not lead to dehydration or to a water-electrolyte imbalance; current evidence suggests that caffeinated beverages contribute to the body's daily fluid requirements no differently than pure water does."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee_and_health
No wonder... :)
thanks you guys :)
For the advice on the threesome idea.. I talked to my friend and basically told her everything I've been thinking up to this point and I also talked to my boyfriend, and he said that nothing would happen between us, but I still am thinking it's not going to happen anyways, because (1)my best friend gets really nervous, (2) when am I ever going to feel comfortable enough to let my best friend see me naked (I know, its sad.. my boyfriend can see my fat but she can't) and (3)when are we ever going to find time when all three of us are busy, in the same place, and ready to do this..
But anyways, I think I resolved that conflict and it probably won't happen anyways so whatever.
I'm currently feeling.......... I don't know. Mad? Because I ate so much yesterday? Yeah, but according to thedailyplate.com, I burned off all the calories I ate yesterday during my workout, so I'm not really mad.. just kind of upset with myself for letting it get so far. Like I didn't have to eat the second bowl of rice, but I did :/
But today so far has been wonderful, and I'm going back to the track to workout the same way I did yesterday, and I have to clean the house because my mom gave me a "list of things to keep me occupied". Which should burn off the calories in the chocolate soymilk I just drank.
Speaking fo chocolate OH MY GOD I found the most amazing thing at Publix on Wednesday. They have zero calorie chocolate syrup, and zero calorie ranch dip. I almost died. And I found this peanutbutter chocolate stuff that's vegan :) yay!
I bought some, bt I'm not going to eat it. I'm saving it.. for.. Idk what yet. For when I'm skinny and can eat whatever I want :)
I can't wait. Today is going to be so great :)))
Good luck to all of you sweethearts!!!
<3
But anyways, I think I resolved that conflict and it probably won't happen anyways so whatever.
I'm currently feeling.......... I don't know. Mad? Because I ate so much yesterday? Yeah, but according to thedailyplate.com, I burned off all the calories I ate yesterday during my workout, so I'm not really mad.. just kind of upset with myself for letting it get so far. Like I didn't have to eat the second bowl of rice, but I did :/
But today so far has been wonderful, and I'm going back to the track to workout the same way I did yesterday, and I have to clean the house because my mom gave me a "list of things to keep me occupied". Which should burn off the calories in the chocolate soymilk I just drank.
Speaking fo chocolate OH MY GOD I found the most amazing thing at Publix on Wednesday. They have zero calorie chocolate syrup, and zero calorie ranch dip. I almost died. And I found this peanutbutter chocolate stuff that's vegan :) yay!
I bought some, bt I'm not going to eat it. I'm saving it.. for.. Idk what yet. For when I'm skinny and can eat whatever I want :)
I can't wait. Today is going to be so great :)))
Good luck to all of you sweethearts!!!
<3
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Maybe I Don't Want a Scale...
...cuz if I had one I would brake it right now. I finally stopped binging. I fasted all day yesterday, and exercised a lot on Tuesday and yesterday. Then this morning I made vegan pancakes, which were amazingly delicious, and smoothies, for my brother and I. I made him promise to try being vegan for a day. I love how gullible 9 year olds are :) I want my brother to be educated in health, and not follow in my family's footsteps. I'm going to teach him everything I know about animals, and why we shouldn't eat them, and let him make his own decision, while trying to convince him to be at least vegitarian. I want that so badly for my brother. He's tiny, and really active, so if he doesn't grow up with the southern conservative views of food like the rest of my family, maybe there's hope for him.
On the flip side, I feel gross. I took more laxatives. And I'll take more after lunch, because if I don't eat what I cook, how can I expect my brother to eat it? But then I'm bringing him to the track with me. My friend is bringing her little sister, so they can occupy eachother while she and I exercise our fat asses off for at least two hours. If only I had a job, then I could afford a gym membership :/ But untill then, at least I have track. Which includes running, walking, riding my bike, and beast-mose running up stairs. Which is good for my legs and my enormous butt. And tonight when I get home, I'm definitely going to lift weights and do as many crunches as I can. I have to lose as much weight as I can by Saturday night.
Speaking of Saturday night, here's the thing. Yes, I have had lots of crazy wild calorie-burning sex with my boyfriend. He was my first, and I was his first. And we have talked about fantasies before, and his biggest one (duh, because he's a guy) is to have 2 girls at once... My best friend said she woulddo it, which would be really cool because I"m comfortable around her. However, way back when, I had a huge crush on her. I used to be like madly in love with her, but I kind of channelled that out for the purpose of saving a very deep and strong friendship. We've never had sex before, or even kissed. But all of a sudden, my boyfriend is like yeah lets have a threesome with *best friend*. Which is cool and all... but she's a virgin. And idk if I like the idea of my best friend losing that to the same guy I did... I don't think I'm comfortable with that. It doesn't seem right, and I'm not a jealous person, but I think I would just get like really angry if I saw that happen. And I don't want our friendship to fall out like that because she means too much to me to lose. She's the only one who knows truly everything there ever was to know about me.
As much as I want to please my boyfriend, I can't do that to her, or to myself. I think I'm going to tell her never mind.
And that's Heather's sex-talk for the day.
Lol.
Soo... now the question of lunch for my brother.... I know he definitely won't eat a salad... :*(
On the flip side, I feel gross. I took more laxatives. And I'll take more after lunch, because if I don't eat what I cook, how can I expect my brother to eat it? But then I'm bringing him to the track with me. My friend is bringing her little sister, so they can occupy eachother while she and I exercise our fat asses off for at least two hours. If only I had a job, then I could afford a gym membership :/ But untill then, at least I have track. Which includes running, walking, riding my bike, and beast-mose running up stairs. Which is good for my legs and my enormous butt. And tonight when I get home, I'm definitely going to lift weights and do as many crunches as I can. I have to lose as much weight as I can by Saturday night.
Speaking of Saturday night, here's the thing. Yes, I have had lots of crazy wild calorie-burning sex with my boyfriend. He was my first, and I was his first. And we have talked about fantasies before, and his biggest one (duh, because he's a guy) is to have 2 girls at once... My best friend said she woulddo it, which would be really cool because I"m comfortable around her. However, way back when, I had a huge crush on her. I used to be like madly in love with her, but I kind of channelled that out for the purpose of saving a very deep and strong friendship. We've never had sex before, or even kissed. But all of a sudden, my boyfriend is like yeah lets have a threesome with *best friend*. Which is cool and all... but she's a virgin. And idk if I like the idea of my best friend losing that to the same guy I did... I don't think I'm comfortable with that. It doesn't seem right, and I'm not a jealous person, but I think I would just get like really angry if I saw that happen. And I don't want our friendship to fall out like that because she means too much to me to lose. She's the only one who knows truly everything there ever was to know about me.
As much as I want to please my boyfriend, I can't do that to her, or to myself. I think I'm going to tell her never mind.
And that's Heather's sex-talk for the day.
Lol.
Soo... now the question of lunch for my brother.... I know he definitely won't eat a salad... :*(
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Last night...
..was the worst night of my life. I do not want to talk about it.
Let's just say, I'm definitely going to the track today, running for as long as I can possibly stand, then walking at least ten laps. And doing both sets of stairs twice. And I'll be biking there and back, which is a total of like an hour of biking.
Fuck.
fuckfuckfuck.
:/
Let's just say, I'm definitely going to the track today, running for as long as I can possibly stand, then walking at least ten laps. And doing both sets of stairs twice. And I'll be biking there and back, which is a total of like an hour of biking.
Fuck.
fuckfuckfuck.
:/
Monday, June 22, 2009
Vegan Binge :(
I figured, hey, if I'm vegan, I won't be tempted to eat as much.
But that's when mom makes a lot of veggies for dinner, and I have two bowls of veggies, and two veggie chicken burgers, with two slices of bread... So last night I probably ate around 1500 calories, probably more. Fuck. And yes, I went to the track, but we didn't run, just walked. But we did do the stairs, but I didn't do crunches or anything at all before bed like I usually do.
I don't want to talk about how I feel right now. You can probably guess. And even though I said I would never take laxatives again, I did. And this time they woke me up at 4 am, and I've been like four times total, and my stomach feels all twisted, and even though I planned on making veggie pizza this week, I think I'll wait untill next week.
It's monday, and my motto for this week is "Don't eat unless you absolutely HAVE to".
Like if my boyfriend takes me somewhere, get a small salad. If my mom says something or if we go somewhere where it would be too obvious if I tried to hide, get a salad. No pizza, and hopefully I won't like the sushi my friend is going to buy. This means I should have a total of three days this week where I won't be subjected to food. Which is good. And at least three or four days of exercising.
And now, I'm making muffins, but I purposely made them with real milk instead of soymilk. And this week I think I'll make a lot of food this way. Cuz I'm vegan, I can't eat that.
Hope it works.
Sorry if I let anyone down, even though the person I let down the most is myself/
I'm sorry self.
I'm sorry for getting this fat to begin with, and I'm sorry for feeling like giving up so many times.
I will make it up to you.
160 by Friday. I have to.
But that's when mom makes a lot of veggies for dinner, and I have two bowls of veggies, and two veggie chicken burgers, with two slices of bread... So last night I probably ate around 1500 calories, probably more. Fuck. And yes, I went to the track, but we didn't run, just walked. But we did do the stairs, but I didn't do crunches or anything at all before bed like I usually do.
I don't want to talk about how I feel right now. You can probably guess. And even though I said I would never take laxatives again, I did. And this time they woke me up at 4 am, and I've been like four times total, and my stomach feels all twisted, and even though I planned on making veggie pizza this week, I think I'll wait untill next week.
It's monday, and my motto for this week is "Don't eat unless you absolutely HAVE to".
Like if my boyfriend takes me somewhere, get a small salad. If my mom says something or if we go somewhere where it would be too obvious if I tried to hide, get a salad. No pizza, and hopefully I won't like the sushi my friend is going to buy. This means I should have a total of three days this week where I won't be subjected to food. Which is good. And at least three or four days of exercising.
And now, I'm making muffins, but I purposely made them with real milk instead of soymilk. And this week I think I'll make a lot of food this way. Cuz I'm vegan, I can't eat that.
Hope it works.
Sorry if I let anyone down, even though the person I let down the most is myself/
I'm sorry self.
I'm sorry for getting this fat to begin with, and I'm sorry for feeling like giving up so many times.
I will make it up to you.
160 by Friday. I have to.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
meh.
I ate yesterday. About 425 cals total. I ate one really huge strawberry. Then I mowed the lawn. Then after thirty minutes of that I felt like I was gonna pass out. So I decided it may be helpful to eat something... So I ate a sandwhich with the leftover tofu from the other day (225 cals). Then I finished mowing. After that, I decided well I might as well eat some more since I blew my fast. But right before I began thinking of all the food I was going to eat, I told myself I would not binge. I didn't want my total to go over 500 calories for today. So I ate a veggie burger (200 cals). Then I took four laxatives instead of the usual two, made more thinspo collages in the back of my journal, did some exercises (150 crunches, 50 leg lifts each leg, 25 lunges each leg, 50 squats, and lifted weights 50 times) I decided that should have been enough to burn most of what I ate off, because mowing the lawn for an hour and a half burns about 500 calories. I hope that worked... I really can't afford to gain any weight. I'm going to be 160 by next Friday. That's only six pounds I have to lose, and if I fast for most of the week, it shouldn't be too hard. The only day I most likely will have to eat is Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Monday I'm hanging out with my boyfriend (duh, he's always hungry). Tuesday I'm going to babysit my little brother for my mom to work, and I promised him I would make homemade pizza (and I'm making it vegan). Then Wednesday my best friend is going to buy sushi, which I have never tried, so I might not even like it, so I may not have to eat it. Other than those three times, I won't be eating at all this week. I'm thinking Thursday and Friday are going to be water fast days, and I"m going to the track hopefully today, Tuesday, Wednesday, and maybe Thursday and Friday. I'm upping my running laps from one to two after this week. And no food today! Just tanning and exercise!
But oh my god I have to share my laxative story... The first time I used this brand, I took two, but I hadn't eaten alot really. I took it before bed, and when I woke up, I was in the bathroom for like an hour, with what seemed to be a volcanoe in my ass. It was really crazy, but I didn't gain any weight from eating, so I didn't care. Then the next day I used them again because I ate that day too, but I only took two, and I barely went to the bathroom at all. But after last night, I took four, because I was ashamed at how much I had eaten in so little time, and then I went to bed. At around three o'clock this morning, I woke up with the worst stomach pains ever. I was in the bathroom for about an hour, with my volcanoe, but it was different. I was really dizzy, and light-headed, and then it got really cold, and I was sweating. My skin felt really really clammy, and I couldn't see straight. But after it stopped, I went back to bed. Then I woke up around ten, went to the bathroom again, twice, and I didn't feel sick anymore. But it scared me. I thought my internal organs were going to squeeze themselves out of my ass, and that I was going to die on the toilet, just like Elvis. I cannot die looking like this. If I was 120, or even 130, then maybe it would be worth it to die, but not like this. They would have to give me one of those extra large caskets because I probably wouldn't be able to fit inside a regular one. But anyways, I feel back to normal now, and I will never take four laxatives ever again. Ever. My limit will be two. I do not like being icy cold and sweating at the same time. It's not my typical idea of fun.
Stay strong girls!
<3
But oh my god I have to share my laxative story... The first time I used this brand, I took two, but I hadn't eaten alot really. I took it before bed, and when I woke up, I was in the bathroom for like an hour, with what seemed to be a volcanoe in my ass. It was really crazy, but I didn't gain any weight from eating, so I didn't care. Then the next day I used them again because I ate that day too, but I only took two, and I barely went to the bathroom at all. But after last night, I took four, because I was ashamed at how much I had eaten in so little time, and then I went to bed. At around three o'clock this morning, I woke up with the worst stomach pains ever. I was in the bathroom for about an hour, with my volcanoe, but it was different. I was really dizzy, and light-headed, and then it got really cold, and I was sweating. My skin felt really really clammy, and I couldn't see straight. But after it stopped, I went back to bed. Then I woke up around ten, went to the bathroom again, twice, and I didn't feel sick anymore. But it scared me. I thought my internal organs were going to squeeze themselves out of my ass, and that I was going to die on the toilet, just like Elvis. I cannot die looking like this. If I was 120, or even 130, then maybe it would be worth it to die, but not like this. They would have to give me one of those extra large caskets because I probably wouldn't be able to fit inside a regular one. But anyways, I feel back to normal now, and I will never take four laxatives ever again. Ever. My limit will be two. I do not like being icy cold and sweating at the same time. It's not my typical idea of fun.
Stay strong girls!
<3
Saturday, June 20, 2009
glorious revolution
Soooooo today I decided it was finally time to get on the scale, in honor of my amazing strength the past two days (thursday- 150 calories, friday- 300 calories). Aaaaaannnnddd..
I weigh 166! That's my lowest weight so far, like ever! I'm so elated. I feel amazing. Actually, no, I kind of feel like shit. Like lazy and blaahhhh and I have no energy. I'm water fasting today and hopefully tomorrow, because I have plans for monday that hopefully do not include food, but most likely will, because I'm going to the zoo with my boyfriend. And I absolutely have to weigh 165 by monday. If I do this fast, then it should be no problem :) Yay!
And I have to mow the lawn tomorrow, so I'll burn off some extra calories, and since I won't be able to go to the track on monday I'm going tomorrow. Then I'll continue with that on Tuesday. I was gonna go today, but my mom decided she wanted me to leave my friend's house early and come home, and help her move stuff. So no running for me today :( But I will do crunches and lift some weights tonight, and since I just love the feeling of burning muscles in my thighs, I'm gonna do squats. And maybe pushups. And lunges.. I dunno.
I'm high on Ana right now :)
I weigh 166! That's my lowest weight so far, like ever! I'm so elated. I feel amazing. Actually, no, I kind of feel like shit. Like lazy and blaahhhh and I have no energy. I'm water fasting today and hopefully tomorrow, because I have plans for monday that hopefully do not include food, but most likely will, because I'm going to the zoo with my boyfriend. And I absolutely have to weigh 165 by monday. If I do this fast, then it should be no problem :) Yay!
And I have to mow the lawn tomorrow, so I'll burn off some extra calories, and since I won't be able to go to the track on monday I'm going tomorrow. Then I'll continue with that on Tuesday. I was gonna go today, but my mom decided she wanted me to leave my friend's house early and come home, and help her move stuff. So no running for me today :( But I will do crunches and lift some weights tonight, and since I just love the feeling of burning muscles in my thighs, I'm gonna do squats. And maybe pushups. And lunges.. I dunno.
I'm high on Ana right now :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
success!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I only ate what I said I ate for breakfast, and then later I had some v8 juice and 1/4 a slice of toast (I get the flatbread stuff thats only 100 cals a roll..but i used the top half, and then fed half of that to my doggy :)) Not a salad, but still very controlled. I'm really working on my control issues with food. I think yesterday helped me a whole lot because I feel more.... powerful. Over my eating. Like I don't have to scarf down a whole loaf of bread to feel full :D So my caloric intake yeasterday was about 150 cals :)) And I got on my grandmother's scale... *drum roll* 173 :D Yes, it isn't as low as it was last week, but this means I've lost most of my binge weight, so with my minimal eating again today, and I'm going running today, and then fasting tomorrow and Sunday, I think I should be ok :D I'm so happy right now :DDD
b- 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup strawberries, 10 pieces of chopped walnut, 1/2 cup orange juice (125 ish cals)
l- tofu (75 cals)
l- tofu (75 cals)
d- tba (none... going to my beautiful ana friend's house to make sure neither of us eat tomorrow)
Oh and one more thing: I have 9 followers! Holy Crap!!! This is so amazing to me because I only recently got my first comment from someone other than my best friend, and already people are listening :) And I'm talking to some really inspiring and beautiful people who keep me strong. I can only hope my comments to them help them stay strong and in control. Control is key.
Once you lose control over your body, there's no hope left.
<3
Oh and one more thing: I have 9 followers! Holy Crap!!! This is so amazing to me because I only recently got my first comment from someone other than my best friend, and already people are listening :) And I'm talking to some really inspiring and beautiful people who keep me strong. I can only hope my comments to them help them stay strong and in control. Control is key.
Once you lose control over your body, there's no hope left.
<3
--------------------edit-----------------
i totally went overboard with my tofu :( but oh well, im still only at 200 cals, which is really good for me so I guess it's ok. I'm still going to have a small salad though, but after I go tan for two hours. Then I'm off to my besty's house to exercise a whoooole lot and then fast tomorrow :D
I love you all!
<3
Thursday, June 18, 2009
banana <3
So, yesterday went amazingly well, and I'm feeling extremely full up with willpower and success :D Still no scale though. I won't be able to get on one untill the next time I'm at my grandma's house, or if I go to my best friend's house and her parents aren'thome. The next time I have money, I'm going to buy is a scale. I told myself this last time I had money, but instead my fatty boyfriend wanted to go to Starbucks, and because he ALWAYS pays for stuff, I offered to pay. There went my only ten dollars for a cheapo scale from Walmart. Why does he always want to eat it drives me insane and it's so hard to eat when we go out but it's even harder not to tell him no I don't really want to eat.
Anyways, yesterday I continued my water only fast. Yes, that's two whole days with zero calories, and no input of nasty toxins. AND I went running again. And my boyfriend came over last night but he had already eaten dinner, so I told him I ate at my friend's house after we were done exercising.
And today my plan was to eat a salad, but when I woke up I really wanted to eat a banana, so I spent like fifteen minutes cutting it up into tiny pieces, and I put half of it on a little plate, with ten pieces of chopped walnuts, and that was probably an hour ago, and I'm still munchin on it because I want to eat it really slow. I cut a banana into like 72 pieces. It's kind of weird, but it makes it look like there's more of it, and by eating it really slowly I'm getting full really fast. Plus, I'm already drinking a lot of water this morning :D
I feel so good right now.
b- 1/2 banana with 10 pieces of chopped walnut (~ 50 cals)
l- tba (hopefully small salad with vinaigrette dressing, ~ 50 cals)
d-tba (hopefully nothing)
Good luck to everyone else out there. I'm so happy to know that people actually care enough to comment. You're all what's keeping me going :)
<3 heather
Anyways, yesterday I continued my water only fast. Yes, that's two whole days with zero calories, and no input of nasty toxins. AND I went running again. And my boyfriend came over last night but he had already eaten dinner, so I told him I ate at my friend's house after we were done exercising.
And today my plan was to eat a salad, but when I woke up I really wanted to eat a banana, so I spent like fifteen minutes cutting it up into tiny pieces, and I put half of it on a little plate, with ten pieces of chopped walnuts, and that was probably an hour ago, and I'm still munchin on it because I want to eat it really slow. I cut a banana into like 72 pieces. It's kind of weird, but it makes it look like there's more of it, and by eating it really slowly I'm getting full really fast. Plus, I'm already drinking a lot of water this morning :D
I feel so good right now.
b- 1/2 banana with 10 pieces of chopped walnut (~ 50 cals)
l- tba (hopefully small salad with vinaigrette dressing, ~ 50 cals)
d-tba (hopefully nothing)
Good luck to everyone else out there. I'm so happy to know that people actually care enough to comment. You're all what's keeping me going :)
<3 heather
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
yayyyy
I'm lovin this high right now. Yesterday, I followed through with absolutely nothing but water. AND I walked to my friends house (30 minutes), we rode bikes (probably thirty minutes total), and we went to the track at the nearest high school. She only walked, and rode her bike, and was insanely jealous of me because I definitely ran one lap, walked three, and ran up and down the really big steps twice!!! Yay for exercise! I think were going to go again today, but only after I finish cleaning my house because it's disgusting, and I'm home alone and feel like I cannot live like this. Then unless it rains, I'm going to lay in my yard for two hours, because I am going to be black by the end of summer! Lol, not really, I'm just competing with my mom, to see who can get the best tan.
It's always a competition with her, who can have the darkest tan, who can grow their hair out the longest, who can have the whitest teeth, who can lose the most weight... And trust me, I put in way over twice the effort she ever has, and I will win. I can show her up. I'll prove to her that no matter what she says, and no matter how many horribly nasty things she says to me, I will be better than her.
And someday, when I have children, I'm going to show them love, and tenderness, and the opposite of competition. I want them to feel good in their own skin, and never ever have to go through this.
Because even though this is the most amazing feeling ever, I hate it sometimes. I hate it when I look in the mirror, and feel like damn, why can't I just snap my fingers and look how I want, or when my brain shuts off, and I go into holocaust survivor mode, and eat two bowls of spaghetti, garlic bread, ice cream, and two poptarts, and then some triscuits smothered in cheese.... I hate it most when I wake up in the morning, and can barely move, but move anyways. I stand up too fast, nd everything goes black for a little bit, and I can barely see straight, and I have to walk it off, like nothing happened, because I can't let my family see that I'm hurting myself like this. There's no physical evidence, other than my weight loss, so they can't ship me off to a hospital for cutting or substance abuse. Now all I have to worry about is hiding my dizzy spells. And my lack of consumption. Which isn't too hard. I mean, today is garbage day, so I'm definitely throwing out food again, to keep it away from my mouth.
It makes me feel empowered.
Horribly wasteful, but empowered.
If I could ship food to Africa with nobody knowing, I totally would. Those poor kids don't want to starve, and here I am living by it, swearing by it, and loving every minute of it.
I'm a sad excuse for a human sometimes.
But damn I love it when my stomach growls. *growls* That's four times, just this morning :D
<3 stay strong
It's always a competition with her, who can have the darkest tan, who can grow their hair out the longest, who can have the whitest teeth, who can lose the most weight... And trust me, I put in way over twice the effort she ever has, and I will win. I can show her up. I'll prove to her that no matter what she says, and no matter how many horribly nasty things she says to me, I will be better than her.
And someday, when I have children, I'm going to show them love, and tenderness, and the opposite of competition. I want them to feel good in their own skin, and never ever have to go through this.
Because even though this is the most amazing feeling ever, I hate it sometimes. I hate it when I look in the mirror, and feel like damn, why can't I just snap my fingers and look how I want, or when my brain shuts off, and I go into holocaust survivor mode, and eat two bowls of spaghetti, garlic bread, ice cream, and two poptarts, and then some triscuits smothered in cheese.... I hate it most when I wake up in the morning, and can barely move, but move anyways. I stand up too fast, nd everything goes black for a little bit, and I can barely see straight, and I have to walk it off, like nothing happened, because I can't let my family see that I'm hurting myself like this. There's no physical evidence, other than my weight loss, so they can't ship me off to a hospital for cutting or substance abuse. Now all I have to worry about is hiding my dizzy spells. And my lack of consumption. Which isn't too hard. I mean, today is garbage day, so I'm definitely throwing out food again, to keep it away from my mouth.
It makes me feel empowered.
Horribly wasteful, but empowered.
If I could ship food to Africa with nobody knowing, I totally would. Those poor kids don't want to starve, and here I am living by it, swearing by it, and loving every minute of it.
I'm a sad excuse for a human sometimes.
But damn I love it when my stomach growls. *growls* That's four times, just this morning :D
<3 stay strong
Monday, June 15, 2009
in the beginning...
Today I got a comment requesting the beginnings of my obsession/addiction with ana. Well, really, I don't think there was a beginning. It's always been there, in the back of my mind. It was there the first day of kindergarten, when, even though I was the tiniest in my class, I thought all the other girls were prettier than me. It was there the days when I watched my mother exercise constantly to maintain a size 12, and live on carrots and celery. It was there when I somehow exploded into early puberty in like fourth grade and gained somewhere around 100 pounds, sending my heart, mind, and body, into a yoyo of different diets, states of mind, weight losses, and dramatic weight gains. Then there was the period after my brother was born, when my mom decided to drag me with her on every new diet she could find. I've done weight watchers, jenny craig, slimfast, atkins, south beach, the hollywood grapefruit juice diet, and some weird hoodia powder stuff that you mix with this nasty syrup stuff. My mom and I tried it all. And nothing workled. On many of these diets, especially the atkins diet, I even gained weight. At only eleven years old I was barely five feet tall, and somewhere near 150 pounds. Kids made fun of me, and many days I went home and cried for hours because I was always the fat kid. Then one day, I had had enough. I started getting into fights alot, beating up the kids that bullied me. I thought, well, if I'm bigger than they are, surely I can kick their asses and then they won't mess with me. But that made me even sadder, because I've never been that much of a fighter. I would rather be peaceful, and happy, not angry all the time and violent as I was. Then, in seventh grade, I became vegetarian. I lost 15 pounds almost instantly, but was still clinically obese, weighing 180 pounds. The next year, just before the 8th grade formal, my family got this ab-lounge equipment, and I got hooked really fast. I cut out sodas, and was working on the ab-lounge for thirty minutes a day, everyday. I lost another 15 pounds, and was the happiest I had ever been with my body. My family started noticing, and congratulating me on my amazing achievements. I was so exhilerated. Nothing else mattered. I felt free. However, that same summer, I gained all 30 pounds back, and then some, and when 9th grade started, I weighed 200 pounds. As soon as school started I tried not eating every few days. I thought maybe if I only ate 4 or 5 days a week, it would balance out my calorie intake or something and I would stop gaining weight. I tried going a whole week on liquids alone. That year, I actually gained even more weight, and crashed into an endless cycle of starving, then bingeing, and cutting myself. I pierced my skin in obvious and not so obvious places. I still have scars from piercing, and cutting, and shaving layers of skin off of my body. The next year, however, I went vegan, for lent: 40 days. Vegan was my excuse for eating as little as possible, and that year I got down to 180 again. After lent, I maintained that weight, untillthe next school year started. I gained 20 pounds, soaring me back up to 200, and crashing myself back down into self-loathing and mutilation. I began to really like the cutting. I didn't want to be labeled "emo" however, so I hid my cuts in odd places, like my inner thigh, my hips, and most of all, my disgusting flabby stomach. When New Years came, it was time for yet another resolution to lose weight. I went vegan again, except this time two of my friends who suffered with their weights joined me in a competition to see who could go the longest without food. Next thing I knew, I was back down to 180. I never got below that. But I always gained the weight back. I started rinking really heavily, one to two cups of straight vodka every single day after school. I needed it. Some days I woulds live off of vodka alone. Then on weekends I would throw myself into the chemical oblivion of drunkeness, and sleep really late in the afternoon. I gained weight. I gradually lessened the amount of alcohol I consumed, motivated by someone who no matter what will always be very dear to me, even though we are seperated now. I got worried one time, when I drank so much I passed out, and realized that it had taken me a whole gallon of vodka to actually get so far as passing out. I still hate how high of a tolerance I have for substances. It's very scary. Anyways, I stopped drinking and focused more on exercise as a way to deal with things. This was last year. All summer I did yoga, every morning, followed by Gilad's Bodies In Motion on FitTV at my grandmother's house. I didn't really lose weight, but I did gain some muscles, and I got taller. When Junior year started, I was a little bit more confident, taller, and had maintained 195 for a few months. Except that's when it got bad. I was discovering new things about myself, such as my sexuality, my extreme obsessive compulsiveness, and the fact that I cannot deal with long-distance relationships. It wasa very sad time, but I cheated on my boyfriend of a whole year, on a girl who had the exact opposite eating disorder as me. I remember us going on diets, only for her to lose a little, and me to gain it. After we broke up, one morning, I looked at my reflection, and had absolutely no idea who the monster I saw staring back at me was. She was fat, ugly, unhappy, and sad. Very very sad. True, that girl was no longer an alcoholic, no longer a cutter, and hadn't stopped eating for a long time, but she was worse now than ever. This was last December, when I realized, looking into the mirror in horror, and looking down at the scale that read 215, that I didn't know myself anymore. My life was out of control, my best friend hadn't said a word to me in over a year, and I had no clothes to fit me. I began writing down everything I ate, and taking diet pills, and trying very hard to grab control of my eating. It started slowly, I took weight training class at school, and limited myself to 1000 calories a day. In February, I began fasting for whole weeks. I got down to 180 finally, and was happier than ever. Now, I'm trying hard to continue this story, hopefully with the happiest of endings. I know that yeah maybe this isn't healthy, but it's working, and as long as I don't binge like I did this past weekend, I should be alright. I will one day be able to say confidently that my weight is under control, and that my size five jeans are a little loose, and that I can be pretty. One day, i will reveal to myself the pretty girl inside, the girl I have never seen, but can feel inside me, begging to be set free. She's in there somewhere, and one day I can show the entire world her beauty.
It might take some time to get there, because I have so much to lose, but in the end, everything will be ok.
<3 heather(hunger)
It might take some time to get there, because I have so much to lose, but in the end, everything will be ok.
<3 heather(hunger)
weirdness
I'm shaking. Like violently. I just took a shower, thinking it was my nerves, and that a warm shower would calm me down, but I feel really dizzy and stuff...
I don't have a ride to my audition. :( But I did go on saturday, and I just got off the phone with the director, and she said that it was ok, so I think it's going to be ok.
My body is aching with.... I dunno. It burns all over on the inside, and I'm like really antsy but not in a hyper way in more of a my body is shaking weirdly kind of way. I really want some cold water.
*******************************
Mmmm. Not cold enough, but still good. I feel really clean. Kind of. My hair smells good.
Oh my gosh. I tried that saltwater flush thing. I got half the water down, and gave up. It was so gross. Like, I never want to go to the ocean ever again. The taste stayed in my mouth for like ever, and I felt really bloated, and so I drank a lot of water today. Almost 4 bottles. And I did pilates for 15 minutes, and then Tae-Bo (hahahaa), and some other workout tapes my mom had, and later I'm going to do my other daily routine exercises. I might do extra though, since I ate today. Here's the breakdown:
2 sandwhich flatroll things: 200 cals
jelly: about 150 cals
peanut butter: probably 300 cals
total: 650 cals.
Damn. I suck at life. It's not too terribly bad, but considering my bestie and I ate probably 2000 calories last night in the span of about 2 hours, this sucks. I am desperate for a cleansing 2 day fast, water only. Then after that, I'll allow some juices, maybe a small salad. I need to lose 30 pounds this summer. 150. 150 by the time school starts. Size 9 maybe. Still fat, but tons better than I was in december. I really need to work on my abs. I hate my stomach. It's so gross and flabby. Ugh. I could vent forever about every little thing on my body. Hey!!! Perfect time to go find measuring tape. Something I have not done in a while...
height: 66" (5'6")
neck: 14"
bust: 402"
just under bust: 35"
waist: 32"
hips: 41"
butt: 45"
thighs: l= 25" r=25"
calves: l= 16" r=16"
upper arms: l=13" r= 13"
forearm: l= 9.5" r= 9.5"
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm so huge. Seriously?!?!! 40 inches of bust???? That's insane. Except, I do love having a bra size of 36D. That's quite nice. It used to be 38DD, Which actually was pretty big. And I am kind of sad to be able to fit into a 36C bra now as well, because some of my D ones are getting bigger. I dunno.
Omg but my waist size is most definitely the worst. 32 inches. Thats about 10 inches I would like to lose. Size charts say I should be a size xl, and that I should wear a size 14 jeans. That's even worse. Because I definitely cant fit my size 14s anymore, and my xl shirts hang on me like nothing. I can fit my size ten jeans fine, and a size l shirt fits comfortably. I would like to be a size 5 ish and wear medium shirts. Thats my ultimate goal, because I honestly cant even imagine myself as a size zero. But who knows, maybe one day :)
I quit shaking. That's good.
I did something today that most people find apalling: I took laxatives. No, not my first time, and certainly not my last, but still. No, I won't lie to you and say that it's just another way of purging, because it most definitely doesn't promote weight loss. Yes, it can be rather nasty if you do it the wrong way, like girls who take handfulls at a time. I've never taken more than six at a time, and the results came like the next day, so it wasn't like immediate relief like throwing up, which is why most bulimics choose to throw up instead, but it made me feel better nonetheless. Like, yeah, I ate all that food, but instead of punishing my body with the harmful effects of purging, I'll just cleanse, fast, and start over the next day. So anyways, I took four today, and I'm going to take maybe 2-4 more before I go to bed. That way I'll wake up with an empty stomach, then empty out everything else, and have only water tomorrow. Sort of like a detox. I love detoxing. Not only do I lose weight, but my brain can think clearer, and I can breathe better.
So as you might be able to tell, I keep going on and on about stuff... I'm trying to stay sidetracked. If I'm constantly typing then I'm burning calories, and even better, not consuming any. I hope I burned off most of what I ate today. Tomorrow, I'm going to walk to my friend's house and get my bike, and ride home. I left it there the day before yesterday. Oops. I was too lazy to ride it back home :/ But tomorrow I will go get it. Then everyday this week, along with my routine stuff, I'm going to do my 8-minute tae-bo thingy, the 15-minute pilates thingy, and ride my bike around the block. I hope I can stick to it.
And by all means necessary, I will NOT go into the kitchen. No freezer, no pantry, no cabinets. Water or juice. Maybe tea with splenda, after two days of just water. If I can stick to this, I'm promising myself a salad on like thursday or friday. Then I'll have a tiny salad everyday. But thats it. No more. I have to lose this weight.
sadness kicks in
I love my best friend. I love most of all how she won't judge me, no matter how much I eat in her presence. Mostly, because she knows I won't judge her, even if she eats two bagels, but only after eating pizza, cheese sticks, and two bowls of cereal. We didn't even throw it up afterwards. I'm so sorry I couldn't resist the pizza. I blame myself, because I'm the one who brought in the first plate.
And for what? To wake up this morning with a fucking knot the size of Alaska in my tummy and the strongest desire to continue the weekend's binges.
Seriously though, I ate like my whole body weight in food every single day for the past like 4 days. How in the hell does one person gain ten pounds in four fucking days?!?!?!
So anyways, I ate two peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches today, and cooked a pot of rice with steamed veggies. But while the rice was still boiling, I told myself NO. Imagine that. All it takes is to tell myself "NO!!!"
I rather screamed it, and my dog ran into the next room. I'm sorry I scared him with my screaming, and my throwing a whole big huge pot of rice out the back door. Please don't let my mother find that.
The last few days have been so sad for me. I've cried more than I can ever remember crying, even though I should be happy. I've lost somewhere around 35 pounds since december, I have an amazing best friend, and an amazing oyfriend who tells me "There isn't an ounce of fat on your body" and "You're not fat, just heavy. Which is ok, because that means you have sexy muscles."
Pffft.
muscles, my ass! Actually, no, the muscles on my ass aren't that great. I know they're under there somewhere, under all this blubber. Lard. Fat. Disgusting.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I don't give a flying fuck. I need to vent.
I'm going to try to fast tomorrow. If I make it through the day, I should be fine. I went six days last week without solid food, and got down to 166 pounds, the lowest I can ever remember being. Ever. But now I'm back up to 180, because I'm a fat kid at heart, and something inside me, like a split personality, kicks in after day six, and takes over. I'm going to call her Karen.
Karen, listen to me, you mother fucking bitch. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are ruining my life. I fucking hate you, and your disgusting fat body. Leave me alone, and stop making me eat. You hurt me so much, and I cannot take it anymore.
I have to lose at least five pounds by friday.
I exercised all day long. I hope that did something. Anything.
I have an audition tonight for a musical. Wish me luck.
And please, never giv in to temptation. It hurts, and afterwards, you'll feel like low as dirt, like the biggest fattest piece of shit that ever walked on the earth.
I'm trying to teach myself how to say no to myself.
I hope this changes things.
I will be beautiful
<3
And for what? To wake up this morning with a fucking knot the size of Alaska in my tummy and the strongest desire to continue the weekend's binges.
Seriously though, I ate like my whole body weight in food every single day for the past like 4 days. How in the hell does one person gain ten pounds in four fucking days?!?!?!
So anyways, I ate two peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches today, and cooked a pot of rice with steamed veggies. But while the rice was still boiling, I told myself NO. Imagine that. All it takes is to tell myself "NO!!!"
I rather screamed it, and my dog ran into the next room. I'm sorry I scared him with my screaming, and my throwing a whole big huge pot of rice out the back door. Please don't let my mother find that.
The last few days have been so sad for me. I've cried more than I can ever remember crying, even though I should be happy. I've lost somewhere around 35 pounds since december, I have an amazing best friend, and an amazing oyfriend who tells me "There isn't an ounce of fat on your body" and "You're not fat, just heavy. Which is ok, because that means you have sexy muscles."
Pffft.
muscles, my ass! Actually, no, the muscles on my ass aren't that great. I know they're under there somewhere, under all this blubber. Lard. Fat. Disgusting.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I don't give a flying fuck. I need to vent.
I'm going to try to fast tomorrow. If I make it through the day, I should be fine. I went six days last week without solid food, and got down to 166 pounds, the lowest I can ever remember being. Ever. But now I'm back up to 180, because I'm a fat kid at heart, and something inside me, like a split personality, kicks in after day six, and takes over. I'm going to call her Karen.
Karen, listen to me, you mother fucking bitch. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are ruining my life. I fucking hate you, and your disgusting fat body. Leave me alone, and stop making me eat. You hurt me so much, and I cannot take it anymore.
I have to lose at least five pounds by friday.
I exercised all day long. I hope that did something. Anything.
I have an audition tonight for a musical. Wish me luck.
And please, never giv in to temptation. It hurts, and afterwards, you'll feel like low as dirt, like the biggest fattest piece of shit that ever walked on the earth.
I'm trying to teach myself how to say no to myself.
I hope this changes things.
I will be beautiful
<3
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Soooo, I haven't been on here in a while, and I'm truly sorry. I've been so busy with not eating. Today would be day seven, but on sunday I ate a salad because my family decided to go out to dinner. Ugh. But I decided I would eat today that way my best friend doesn't feel like she's doing it alone. I'm going to limit my caloric intake to 500 calories. For breakfast right now, I'm having oatmeal:
1/4 cup of all natural plain instant oatmeal = 75 calories
1/16 cup of chopped walnuts = 25 calories
Mix with a little water, a pinch of salt, and a teaspoon of splenda, and it tastes sooooooooo good. Even though I feel bad for letting my body down, but yesterday I felt like I was going to pass out. More than once. So I gave myself a whole V8 juice instead of just half. And slept for like 4 hours.
Oh my gosh this morning I don't know what was going on with my body, but I totally blew up at my mom in the kitchen. I think this emptiness is going to my head. But I'm eating today, so that should speed up my metabolism and stuff. As long as I don't gain too much weight because then I won't eat for like three days, or however long it takes to get back to where I was yesterday: 167! I was so elated!!!! I want to be down to 165 Friday. That's only two pounds, no big deal. Right?
1/4 cup of all natural plain instant oatmeal = 75 calories
1/16 cup of chopped walnuts = 25 calories
Mix with a little water, a pinch of salt, and a teaspoon of splenda, and it tastes sooooooooo good. Even though I feel bad for letting my body down, but yesterday I felt like I was going to pass out. More than once. So I gave myself a whole V8 juice instead of just half. And slept for like 4 hours.
Oh my gosh this morning I don't know what was going on with my body, but I totally blew up at my mom in the kitchen. I think this emptiness is going to my head. But I'm eating today, so that should speed up my metabolism and stuff. As long as I don't gain too much weight because then I won't eat for like three days, or however long it takes to get back to where I was yesterday: 167! I was so elated!!!! I want to be down to 165 Friday. That's only two pounds, no big deal. Right?
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