failness :(

i consumed 36,543 calories this month so far. that's 1353 calories a day.
i burned off 8850 calories this month. that's 1025 net calories a day.
if 1000 calories a day is acceptable, then i only went over my calorie limit by 693 calories.
if 700 calories a day is acceptable (which is goal for right now), then i went over by 8793 calories.
i also gained ten pounds this month :(
i plan on burning at least 1000 calories by playing ddr today, and im fasting until march.
i need to exercise more. i need to fast more. i need control again.
fuck nutrition, fuck health, and fuck therapy.
i made a promise to my fellow bloggers and to myself, and to my best friend that i dont talk to anymore, and i plan on keeping my promise.
i will do whatever it takes to become sick again.
<3

sensa?

anyone else wanna try it??? new weight loss thingy.... caught my eye :] imma have to ebay it right now!

how i feel about ED right now

shadowboxer- fiona apple

Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend

Oh, you creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees

Oh, it's evil babe
The way you let your grace enrapture me
When well you know I'd be insane
To ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging around 'cause
I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Oh, your gaze is dangerous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You'll set your spell on me

So darlin' I just wanna say
Just in case I don't come through
I was onto every play
I just wanted you

Oh it's so evil, my love
The way you've no reverence to my concern
So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love
To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn

So I'm a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging around at nothin
I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Yeah I'm a shadowboxer baby,
I wanna be ready for what you do
And I been swinging around me 'cause
I don't know when you're gonna make your move

bf got mono :/

so no kissing for two weeks
which means no sex for two weeks
which means there goes my exercise for 2 weeks
i need to do real actual exercise lol

i feel huge cuz ive been following my nutritionist's plans and eating 900 calories a day but ive also been going over alot because my roomie and my bf always wanna go out to eat which screws everything up so ive been eating alot of like milkshakes and fries :p ugh
laxative time, here we go!

i miss you guys i hate being so damn busy all the time :(

nutritionist

i saw one.
she isnt gonna make me eat over 800 calories a day if i dont want to but she is gonna help me get the most out of these calories and figure out how to add more protein to my diet.
i wouldnt necessarily label myself "in recovery", but i am going to try and eat more healthily. she said that because of eating next to nothing my brain could be functioning less than normal which explains my total lack of concentration and focus.
but yeah so im working on improving myself in a better way than just not eating.
hence therefore, i will be living off of cliff bars and odwalla shakes.
idk where i'm going with this...

fail

you know its fucked up when you dont have a ride to walmart for laxatives so you charge them to a credit card and order them online...
i am so broke right now its not even funny :/ i hate credit cards

EDIT************
they kicked in in the middle of a movie with my bf my roomie and her bf in the room next to the bathroom and it was dead silence when i came out of the bathroom.............
but nobody said anything about it sooo idk :( waaaaa

been too long

i apologize :/ ive been really busy trying to keep up with my classes i dont think im failing anything yet but i feel like im way behind :/ ugh
good ish news is i feel lighter and theres no food or money anywhere so even if i wanted to eat i couldnt :/ which sucks because im so fucking hungry
like in the bad way that if i had the opportunity to eat something other than frozen veggies i would totally cave and just eat everything :( i hate knowing that i wouldnt be able to control that.

ive been drinking alot lately though with my bf :] so my social life is kickass right now.
and im no longer bloated from winter break.

i think im getting too used to my body the way it is right now though its starting to scare me. like i dont want to look like this forever but sometimes i feel like it doesnt really matter anyways because at least im not 215 pounds again...
i dont want to maintain. maintenance is very very monotonous and i wanna be as tiny as my roommate.
i think basically mostly what i need now is exercise. lots and lots of it. but i dont have like any time for it because when im not in class im sleeping or partying i miss having the dorm to myself but i dont have that anymore which sucks because that means i cant exercise because i cant do that in front of my roomie it would be too awkward :/
blehhh

i dont care that im rambling i need to vent stuff. get my thoughts out there i guess. ive been having so many thoughts so fast lately and no time to write them down. im going to start writing in my paper journal more because it was one of my new years resolutions and i have neglected that. basically all it is is a food journal though :/
why is every aspect of my life controlled by food?
sometimes i just want out.
sometimes i just want to drink the thoughts away.

last night my bf sang me a song he wrote and one of the lines in it was:
"i know things aren't always as they seem but i feel like everyone around me is living my dream"
ugh
like for real my roomie has the perfect life perfect body im so jealous of her. i mean she has alot of like family issues and stuff but still... i mean my life doesnt suck right now its actually pretty awesome im just not losing weight ugh see everything is controlled by food and weight and numbers ugh
blehhhh

imma go heat up some clear soup now. its the only thing i have in my dorm. which is good. but also bad because i know its not the healthy way to be
what the fuck even is healthy?