holyshitwhatlose4poundsovernighthellzyeah!

the title says it all :)

156, much? Oh hellz yeah. I feel so much better. I think it's because I drank double my weight in water yesterday. Fuck yes.

"I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find is the love that I've found ever since you've been around, your love's put me on the top of the world" Love the carpenters. Such awesome thinspo, she was gorgeous.

And soon, I will be too :] Excpet that's kind of a bad picture of her, but oh well. LOVE!

So my mom is home now, and she's actually in the room with me, but she's on the other computer doing like photo editing or something (she wants to be a photographer). Idk. But yep this is my 3rd cup of coffee, and I'm finally caught up on everyone's blogs, and today is 500 calories max, and so far I am at zero! I found that if I don't eat as long as possible, it's easier to stay under the limit for the day. Which is good :] Yesterday I only had 385 :D yay for soup! And tofu shirataki noodles! lol.

omg this girl right here is so freaking amazingly stunning. I want her. I want to look like her :/

or this one :Dor her:

ok im getting carried away with thinspo :] i have my own collection on a flash drive :]]]

Omg my aunt came to see us. She moved to Puerto Rico for 4 years, and lost 143 pounds, and oh my god she looks so amazing I barely recognized her. Definiteyl just what I needed to see first thing in the morning. It's gonna keep me going today :]]]

stay strong lovelies :D

<333

sigh...

Ok, so I've been really busy with real life this week, and I haven't had enough time to escape to blogger or to really anything non-food-related/ana-related/anything i wanted at the time...
And yes, I went over my limits for Tuesday. But like most of it was because we were watching movies and my mom practically shoved bread down my throat.. even after I made the most amazing sooy-milkshake ever :/// And then yesterday I was supposed to fast and I was doing really well, but I made the mistakeof going bowling with my bf and he was like you need to eat something and he kept trying to get me to eat french fries so I ate one and was like nyeh happy now? :// no, not quite happy now. I was good for the rest of the day, lots of water and coffee and diet mountain dew but then when I got home I don't even know what happened I had upwards of about 2000 calories in like 10 minutes... fucking cheerios.. ugh. I had 3 bowls... and then 15 oreos... and peanut butter... But then I stopped myself, and went to bed before I opened the other box of cereal.
And today my mom had to go have surgery. She's having all her girl-junk removed :/ So her hormones will finally be in check and she's gonna lose like 15 pounds the doctor told her... So she's probably gonna start dieting again which means good competition :D Even though it's weird because I'm totally already winning..
But like last night I didn't sleep worth shit b/c I guess maybe I was worried that perhaps let's say something goes wrong in the operation room and my mom never came home o.o
I would have to fight my brother's ass of a father for custody as soon as I turned 18. He's never even been around why would he even be able to get custody in the first place??? Because the good ole sunshine state of Florida doesn't have grandparent rights, that's why.
So my grandma would get custody of me for the next 3 months, and my brother would be shipped off to god only knows where.
I don't fucking think so. I'll die before I see that mother fucker even touch my brother ever again.
I don't think I've ever hated anyone, or anything as much as I truly madly deeply hate that sorry excuse for a man. Why do I hate him? I would really rather not get into that, maybe a different post, but he's horrible.
He's part of the reason my mom had to get her junk lasered off.
But she's home now, so I get to take care of her yay that means she won't be focusing on what I'm eating (or not eating).
*chugs 6th cup of coffee*
I'm hoping my bff wakes up soon so we can go exercise though. I have 15 oreos to work off.
Oh yeah, and I kind of sort of took a few laxatives. Definitely not anywhere near 15 like last time, but I still took them, which wasn't good, but because of how many I had been taking, the few that I did take aren't working fast enough and I really just want it to be out so I can move on ughhh
And the good news about my life right now is that I haven't eaten yet today, I won't get to see my bf for almost a week(no social eating hellz yeah), and I'm 158 so I'm still under 160 and I figured that as long as I stay under 160 I should be fine. And I still have over a week to lose 8 pounds, and probably 3 of those are water weight, and hopefully it will all be ok.
Maybe.
One day.
Stay strong ladies (and gents ;])
<333

fail. :]]

That's me, a big huge chunk of failure.
Who is also weighing in at an amazing 157 this morning :]
But who is failing because of the not liquid that she consumed yesterday, but who is no longer mad at herself about it because she is almost at her next gw, and because she definitely did not binge yesterday despite eating a controllable amount of potatoe, and even oreos.
Yeah, I know they don't really do anything good for my body, but my mom went grocery shopping and I was like gah I just HAVE to have oreos, so I ate only 2 :]]] I don't think I've ever ate just 2 oreos in one day before.
Needless to say, I went over my 500 calorie limit yesterday, but only by like 200 calories, which is still really good considering I almost always eat either 200 or 20000...
But I'm in a big hurry today, just wanted to update and say thank you guys for all your comments :]]] I've decided about diet coke that I might can have 4 a week max. Plus, I would rather have coffee anyways :]
And I'm liquid-fasting today, then no calories tomorrow, then starting like a 400-600 calories a day thing (because I changed my mind about the 1 cup fruit/1 cup veggies thing idk why Ii just did). My mom is having surgery on Thursday. She's getting all her girly junk removed. Lucky. She's gonna lose like 20 pounds. But hey, then again, so am I ;] But this means I get to cook cuz she won't be able to move around much for at least a week.
omg before I forget my pictures are going to be next Friday at 3:30... August 7th... so I have 11 days to lose 7 pounds.
I can totally do this.
yay :]]
This might sound weird, but I love you guys! <333

answers to comments and stuffs :]

first off, im in a big hurry.

second, answers to comments:
pokerface- i have an outfit that i have picked out for the first day of school... and its teeny, especially compared to what i used to look like, and i think you should totally buy that exact same outfit as the guy in the picture because its awesome motivation, and cuz when you do get teeny it will really easy to wear it and make it look awesome even though its simple :)))
sadhana- my highest was almost a us size 18. i know, i know. :P when i got down to 190 i was around a 14/16, and from 180-165 ish i was a size 12. i can wear the size 10s i have now, but one of them is made really small and the other is made really big, and i can barely fit into the size 8 but im almost positive that when i reach 150 ill be able to wear them no problem :) my ultimate goal is to be down to like size 4, hopefully by the time school ends next year. and yes, exercise helps like tremendously, and without it i think i would still be huge because honestly when i dont go to the track i sit around my house aaallll day long and like read or play sudoku or waste time on the computer :] im a lazybones too :]] hehe
thinforever- yes, my mom is kind of dumb sometimes lol. she noticed last year when i stopped eating though, but i didnt lose near as much weight as i have this year, and i never tried to hide it from her last year either, but this year like i figured it was just better to make her think i do eat alot instead of having her confront me about not eating or whatever.. and like when school is in, its sooo much easier because i usually take like a bagel or cereal with me and i tell her i eat on the bus or when i get to school, and i pack a lunch, and theres a bathroom that no one ever goes in in the mornings and when i get there i just trash all the food before anyone even sees em at school. yepyep :]

third, i just got back from the track, but i didnt do enough today, but im going to my friends house and were gonna ride bikes and walk around her neighborhood three times which should take like 2 hours ish and then tomorrow were riding bikes like all day because were both gonna fast tomorrow i so cannot wait
and if i dont post tomorrow its because im not at home or near a computer/dont have time etc
and i need help like, ok i was debating over if i should have a diet coke like i havent had anything soda related at all since like 2 months ago and i pretty much gave up sodas at the beginning of this year but like i dont want coffee or tea right now but i want that caffeine kick before i go volunteer but whenever i do drink sodas they make me all bloaty and gross like a puffer fish and i know its just water weight but im so scared that im gonna blow up like a balloon if i drink soda...
but if i have one before i go volunteer ill probably sweat most of it out anyways.. so i think i will.. lol my mind is running so fast right now omggggggg
:]]]] stay strong lovelies :]]]

high quality h2o :]

I want to be 150 so bad I can taste it. It tastes like nothing. No, it's more than nothing. It's a pure taste, like air, or high quality h2o :] I cannot wait to get there. The day my scale blesses me with that number, I will fall over laughing and screaming with joy and tears and it will probably be the happiest day of my life thus far.
I still haven't made my appointment for my senior pictures :// I really need to, that way I know exactly how many days I'm going to liquid fast for. I know I said untill next Wednesday, but honestly I wanna go for longer than that if I can, at least until my photos are fully complete. I have to look good for this. On the other hand, I'm glad I haven't made the appointment yet, because this gives me more time to lose as much as possible, and I have even more motivation to liquify my diet and exercise bunches and plus, I really need to do something with my hair. I've neglected it for way too long and it looks really shitty. My curls seem to have fallen :// I'm going to cut it like.. maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. One of my zero-calorie days.
I'm waiting for my friend to wake up so we can go exercise. We didn't go to the track yesterday :/ But when I woke up this morning I did 100 crunches, and a few other simple exercises like that to get me motivated for the day.
OMG! I have a story to tell!!!!!
Ok, so my mom wakes me up this morning, and she was really nice for some reason, and she made my coffee for me. She says "I watched how you made it yesterday, and I made it for you because I noticed you've been drinking alot of coffee every morning, and I figured if I did it for you then you would have time to eat breakfast too"... weird! So I made some oatmeal, a cup of coffee, and slipped into my bedroom. My mom smokes, so it was just a matter of maybe 10 minutes before she went outside for a smoke, and then I flushed the oatmeal, and left the bowl in the sink. And she totally bought it. Yay! And then, she was eating fig newtons (:P), which she knows are vegan, and she left one in the package and was like "Eat this before I do I don't need anymore" as if testing me or something.. (remember how I said we were always competing to see who could lose the most weight? HA!) So I took it, and threw it in the trash can in my room so she wouldn't know I didn't really eat it. I told her that fig newtons tasted really really good with my coffee :] I feel so good when I trick her like that. Like last night she asked what I ate for dinner and I said ramen noodles. When really all I had was this soup brothy stuff but there was a pot in the sink, so it looked like I really did eat ramen :]] yay! hehehe
I'm really giggly right now. I think I'm antsy because I'm really anxious to go workout. I'm gonna walk 2 laps, run stairs, run 2 laps, run stairs again, and walk two more laps. And I have to ride my bike all the way there and back. So if we leave at like 1 ish, I won't get back untill like 3:30 ish, and then I'll have to get ready to go volunteer at this animal rescue place.
Oh, before I forget, my friend and I (the same one who I exercise with that also has an
ED) went yesterday to the horse place for the volunteering thingy, and it seems like it's going to be really cool. All we did was like meet the animals, and we got to feed them. It was really fun :] And I looked up how many calories one burns in one hour of doing farm-work type stuff, and it's approximately 200 calories an hour, and we were there for like 2 hours yesterday! And with my soup, oj, and v8, I only even consumed like 300 max yesterday, so I'm really looking forward to getting on the scale on Monday, after my fast tomorrow.
I got on today, but it still says 160, so w/e. No gain is a good thing :]]
I hope everyone is doing well. You guys are so awesome. <333

soup :)

Yesterday went so much better than any of the days last week went.

I feel so much better. All I had was some orange juice, coffee, tea, soup, and lots of water. 250 calories max. Way under my limit of 500 :) go me!

I found this stuff called yogi tea, freakin amazing it tastes so gooooooooood. I got the Himalayan Apple Spice. Yummmm. It tastes like autumn-time, when the leaves get all orangey and like.. halloween comes. Idk. It was a good feeling. I love hot tea before bed. It's so relaxing :)

I'm a dork :]]

Anyways, so today I think my crazy friend and I are going to the track again (YAY) and then there's this lady at this horse place who wants to start a therapy system for mentally handicapped children like an equestrian therapy thing and she wants volunteers :] and I love horses :]] and my friend and I are going this afternoon at six ish. I'm excited. I might finally be able to do something all day instead of sit home and eat!

Except, I'm not really going to eat any real food untill next Thursday.

Oh and get this: for senior pictures, the last day in July to get them done is next Thursday. By then, if I keep exercising, hopefully I can fit into my cute new jeans that are a size 8! Yay!

Unless somehow I can talk my mom into letting me go in August, then I'll definitely be able to wear my jeans.

And, all my binge weight is off. I think it was mostly water weight, but who cares, because I'm back to 160 as of this morning.

Like magic :)

I'm so happy.

I've never been this small before

:]]]]

Good things are yet to come. Stay strong lovelies <333

yay!!!!!

I am so so so so happy to be back. I feel really great today, and I'm going to the track with my friend, because she said she feels good to be back as well (we both hella binged last week, and she's back from her vacation now, so i got my buddy back yay!!) and Idk I just generally feel very inspired and uplifted today and I think this coffe is kicking in and I'm on top of the world and I conjured up a new plan!!
(liquids include water, tea, coffee, 100% juice, and soup that doesn't have large chunks of anything in it)

• today, friday, and saturday: liquids only, 500 calories max
• sunday: water/tea only, must meditate for 1/2 hour at least
• monday, tuesday: liquids only, 400 calories max
• no calorie wednesday (same as sunday)

that's my seven day fasting plan. I know I can do this :) After that I'm thinking of a new plan, somewhere along the lines of 2 cups of food per day, 1 of fruits and 1 of veggies, for 7 days, with the last 3 days including like a small bowl of oatmeal or a slice of toast.

**Must get to 150s must get to 150s must get to 150s**

And as far as exercise goes, I'm gonna try and get to the track as often as possible, like every spare minute I have will be devoted to running/walking/riding my bike. And if it rains or if I can't make it out there for some reason, I'm going to do either tae-bo or pilates (on vhs :]) and/or 30 minutes of calisthenics. And yop. That is beez tha plan, yo.

I feel so giggly :) I think my brother spiked my coffee :))) hehehe. This is my second cup. xD

I cannot wait for my stomach to rumble. I miss the feeling of hunger so much. It feels like there is a knot in my stomach, like i ate a bunch of rocks or something and they're just sitting in my stomach like no you won't feel hungry, never ever again. But I love feeling hungry, because then I know I'm doing it right. And especially because the last time I was hungry (about a week ago, pre-binge mode), I got on the scale and it said 159 and I screamed. Like literally, my mom came and was like wtf and I was like "Oh, just nothing" *insert huge cheesy grin here*.

I miss the feeling of severe anxiety around food. Like right before the first time I binged last week, I would purposely stay out of the kitchen so as not to see anything that would make me freak out, which was just about everything.

I also miss my room being spotless. And everything else being spotless. When I fast, or restrict, for long periods of time, my OCD gets really really severe, and I love the feelings of anxiety when my room is messy because it distracts me from eating because I feel like if there's dust on the window sill I HAVE to clean it before I do anything else. And idk I just feel cleaner when my OCD gets that bad. Like one day, I washed my hands 17 times. 17! Why did I need to wash my hands that much? Why did I count how many times I washed my hands??? I honestly don't know. But I like feeling like that. On the edge all the time. I think I burn more calories when I get like that because I get all jittery and stuff and I'm like hyper all the time. It's like... when I used to go see a shrink, they gave me Anafranil to help suppress my OCD symptoms, but I didn't like taking them because when I took them, I felt dead inside like something was missing, and when I would quit taking them I felt even more unclean than before I began the treatment and it was a really weird feeling and so I only took them for a little while before telling my shrink that they were not working and before she had a chance to prescribe something else, the insurance ran out and I quit seeing therapists.

Idk what I'm getting at. I just felt like rambling :)

I guess like.. they say that people who starve or restirct alot have symptoms of ocd, so maybe they run hand-in-hand... Idk but they both make me feel complete. Like I have a purpose. If I'm not aiming to better myself, then what am I for, right? And what better way to better yourself than to make yourself and your surroundings more clean? :)

Anywho... I hope everyone is doing ok on their diets/plans/fasts/whatever. You girls are so amazing in so many different ways. I'm so glad to be back to this. I feel at home again.

Ana's girls, I missed you. How are you?

Ana, I missed you. Thank you for forgiving me and coming back to whip me into shape :)

stay strong loves <333