149 and losing

i gained massive weight.

but i punished myself with no blogging until i could do 5 days of abc no problem :]

yay

this will be me when i get an apartment with my ana friend and i can finally have my kitty:

this is probably one of my favorite pictures ever. three reasons why: i'm going to be tiny like her one day, instead of this hideous monstrosity of a person that i am today. i want to get my bangs cut again one day, like this, because it always looks adorable on me. there's this cat that has been hanging around my grammas house for like 2 months now, but i cant bring him home b/c my mom and brother are allergic to cats, but when i get an apartment, i can finally have him :] his name is mr tuna :]]

i got some of this tea stuff by Good Earth, it's slimming tea, i hope it works. it tastes amazing.

i wish i had more to update... nothing really speacial is going on... i slept last night for like 15 hours woooo :]]]]]]]

love and firce to all my skinnies <3

looking thin in layers is more amazing than looking thin naked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zp38GKhDFiA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUI8fKNaQeM

i'm a monster.

i keep letting people down. i keep letting myself down. i keep hurting things, and people, and myself.
when i look at the world, when i look in the mirror, i choose to see rainbows and butterflies and smiling faces and bones and llamas and happiness.
but when i wake up i see terror and destruction, most of which came from me.
when i open my eyes and truly see myself, i am a monster.
a huge disgusting slimey godzilla monster who hates everything and hates herself and cant control herself and loves nothing except making things and everyone around her suffer.
there was a good girl, but the monster ate her, just as she was beginning to know what it feels like to feel normal. just as she was beginning to see that some things can be perfect.

but what if there is no perfection?
there's no point to anything because im only going to let myself down in the end, so why bother making myself try at something that might not even be real.

my best friend told me that reality is what i make it, but what if the only reality i can make is based on lies? what if the whole world is built upon lies and hate and greed and nothingness, the kind of nothingness and emptiness that cant be filled by anything at all.

because nothing can fill the hole inside of me. it's a bottomless pit.
and when i choose not to see it, i almost feel better. when i starve that hole, it almost disappears. it's my own alternate reality. complete with llamas and smiles and bones and rainbows.

but then i open my eyes and remember that there is a hole inside of me and the monster will do anything to dig that hole deeper, and hurt me more and more and more.
i keep hurting myself over and over again because i don't know how to stop lying to myself.
my whole life is based on lies.

and then i don't even care. i don't care that i'm a monster, because the monster's brain only wants to eat everything up, and destroy everything.

i don't want to be a monster. i promise i'm a good person. i know i am.
i know the good person is somewhere in there, but its really hard to dig her out of these horrible layers of disgusting emptiness and nothingness and this apathetic monster keeps swallowing her back in when she almost reaches the surface.

i know there's a good person somewhere inside of me, but i don't want anyone to hang around and wait for her to come out because she will never come out, and i only hurt the people who wait around on me.

the tyra show comes on the wb!

for me, it's channel 17, at my friend's house, it's channel 9?
lol yay for awesome tyra :]

upd8 tym:
NEW LOW WEIGHT :]
officially in the 40s, at 148, hellz yeah

day 10 is going splendidly, thanks to not having enough time to come on blogger to update so now i have lots and lots to catch up on, lots of blogs to read, because yes, i do read all you guys's blogs, but my computer won't let me comment most of them for some reason...

omfg funny story: my best friend spent the night on friday night and she was like heatehr please lets binge i want to so bad waaaahhhhhh
so we went to almart and got this huge ass cheesecake the variety kind with like 12 slices or whatever... even though were both vegan...
and she ate most of it, but i did have like 3 slices and it was amazing and almost totally worth it.
but alas, we didnt finish the whole thing because it was so rich, so as she was driving 45 mph down the road back to my house, i threw the rest of the cheesecake out the window.
xD yay for getting rid of evidence!
and i hated myself for eating it, but the next morning i was 149!
and this morning i woke up after sleeping for 12 hours and im 148!
and today is day 10 of abc, so im fasting, and will hopefully lose another pound by tomorrow to get to 147 which has been a goal i've been aiming for for a while now :]

also, i hope everyone is having a great holiday season.
the best thing ever to make you in a better mood: youtube search for christmas karaoke :] i love singing christmas songs :]

i will be 140 by christmas!
i must i must i must!

day 6: 200

yesterday was fail, but today was actually amazingly really well omg because i stood up to the biggest test of all!
story time yay

i made a huge bowl of cake batter.

and ate 3 tiny bites.



and flushed the rest down the toilet!
hell yeah!

:]]]]]]]]] thats always been one of my big weaknesses..... but i said no, i had control aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
AND, i stayed under the 200 limit :]
300 tomorrow, should be easy as cake :]]]

<3333333333333333333

thanks for the lovely comment,

but i think i'll just ignore it and move on with life. except for to say that if your taking the time to tell me how insecure i am, probably means you have insecurities yourself, eh?
but then, who in today's world doesn't have insecurities, unless your amazingly gorgeous and famous or something.
but then, even meagan fox has insecurities, which leads me to believe that yes, everyone is insecure about something.
so i won't judge you, even though you're taking the time to judge me.

bitch :p

anyways...
yes, diet mt dew is sex for my taste buds... like oral sex??? hahahahaha
idk...

intake:
veggies and hummus- 100 calories

excellent so far! off to watch the tyra show :]

day 4 (400)

plan: survive on diet mt dew until dinner, then have a can of green beans maybe if i'm good if i deserve it but probably not, so just some soup or something.

didn't go to school today, fixing to go grocery shopping w/ mom (gag, literally), and then exercise all day, including mowing the lawn.

hope everyone's abc's are easy as 123's :]
<333