mucho exercise-o!

i need to move.

i don't even remember how it felt when i used to exercise constantly.
i just remember feeling better, more confident, if thats possible, since i have no confidence like ever...

anyways, prettywreck has inspired me, and now i will lay down the laws:
1. I will perform at least 1 hour of some form of exercise every single night until December 1st.
2. The exercises will be mostly toning exercises, including 200 crunches, and weight lifting.
3. Within this hour, I will burn at least 200 calories on the exercise bike, and try to do this in less time than the previous night.
4. Should I do less than 1 hour, or skip a night, I must fast the next day no matter what and make up this lost time the next night.

5. I must do 100 crunches and 100 squats as soon as I wake up every morning until December 1st.
I have to start exercising. It will make me feel better, I will lose weight, and I will be well on my way to becoming more toned. If I complete this regime until dec. 1, I will continue on until Christmas.
hopefully i will be out of the 150s finally, and maybe reach my goal of gettign to 140 by the end of the year :]
yay for determination!

lalala

i have no intestines.
yup. they are gone.

i feel today like... blah, but in a good way?
im having a pretty good day i guess, just lazy and empty and bored
but i did really well yesterday, and today is going excellent :)

omg i just randomly got the hiccups

weirdddddddd
ummm..
not really anything to update really...

except turkey day tomorrow! thank god im vegan, and i might not even be going with my family this year, because it would cause too much drama and because i will have to eat and because i get no cell phone signal out there in the boonies with the hicks...
ugh.

yeah, definitely staying home.
to exercise all day :)
if im good i'll let myself eat tomorrow, but only if my fast today goes ok and if i feel in control enough to not binge.
and even then, i'll keep it under 500 calories max.

i just realized, that i have not brushed my teeth today yet, and i have horrible dragon breath, so im going to go brush my teeth and floss and obsess over making sure every surface inside of my mouth is totally clean :)
then i'm going to go work on my thinspo book :)

weight today: 153
goal by end of year: 140

let's go :D

yay day

skipped school again, but walked around alot with my bestie at the town center, and the beach, and target, and we even got to look at apartments and talk about how little food were gonna buy when we get one :]]]]

and, my mom doesnt know i skipped.
and, we didnt really eat alot.

we split a luna bar and then for lunch we both got burritos :]

except when i got home i ate a little, but not a binge :]

food: 800 ish calories
burned: ~1500 calolries (rmr)

now, off to exercise! then to watch tv!

i hope everyone else had an amazing day
<33333

d'aaawwwww :D (plus survey)

you guysssss!!!!!
i love getting you guyses comments :DDDD
they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :]]]

funny story:
last night my best freind and i binged like mad, and she threw up in my sink, and it got clogged.
we tried digging the vomit out with spoons, and poking it through with a skewer, but nothing worked.
it was so disgusting omg
and it took us three hours to realize, oh hey maybe we should try the plunger...
and it worked like magic.
best invention ever :]

another story:
tonight was the last slow pitch softball game i will ever play in high school.
i do not want to graduate.
but at least we won :D 12 to 8 oh yeahhh
and i got 4 hits :]
and the pictures my mom took turned out really great
i actually looked almost normal sized instead of the fat tub of lardy fatness :]
yay!!!!!

will update more later, busy with homework and stuff.. yah.

oh, my friend and i are gonna renew our eating contract :]
hopefully it will begin again on december 1st, and then maybe we will fine-tune it for the new year :]
yay!!!

and even though i did eat today, at least it was veggies, and 4 bites of an apple, and i feel pretty ok :]

omg and also walmart sells akavar for $10 now yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
****************************surveyyy :D************************************
Size: 9 (US)
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 215lbs
Lowest Weight: 149lbs
Goal Weight: 111lbs
Favorite Diet Food?Diet coke, soup, popcorn, tea, steamed veggies like broccoli
Favorite Binge Food?everything. peanut butter, ramen, burritos, cereal, hummus
Favorite Exercise?anything with weights, yoga, dancing
Thinspo?Before and after shots, real girl, vlada <3
What Makes You Slip Up?being alone, being in social settings, feeling sad, feeling really happy
What Makes You Strong?Seeing the scale go down, exercise
When Did It Start?psh. 9/21/91 (i wouldnt let my mom beast feed me... clue?)
Does Anyone Know?People who read this, my best friend, my ex bf
Do You Want Help?No. I don't think I need it.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? never more than 600 on a good day, preferably less than 500
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? flabby loose skin on my stomach and chest from letting it get that bad, thunder thighs, stretch marks, flabby arms, no definition, blobs of cottage cheese :P
Are You In A Relationship? yes.
Is It For Attention? no, i love him with every ounce of the pretty girl inside of me who is trying to get out.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?the fat one. i always have been, and even when i reach 111, i will still be the fat one. its in my personality now.
Are You Depressed?not really, i just dont care about anything.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no. i dont want to die, i just dont want to be alive sometimes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?duh.
Are You On Any Medication? no because i disagree with meds for problems this small. i can deal with it.
ARE YOU-
[xnotquitex] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[x] vegan
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

i remember

when i used to write on here everyday.
when i used to write in my thinspo journal everyday.
when i used to look at thinspo everyday.
when i used to exercise every night, even if it was just a little bit.

i remember no calorie wednesdays, and fasting on sundays.

when i used to tell myself everyday that today is a new day, and i will do my best for today and not dwell on what happened yesterday, and not worry what will happen tomorrow.

when i used to focus on making today the best possible day.
when i used to lose weight...

i miss it.
and i think im coming home now.

because today is a new day, and its the perfect day to start over.
every minute is the perfect minute to try and make today a better day.

untitled

needless to say, the candy diet did not work at all..
so i threw out the rest of it and traded for almost every kind of carb there ever was.

today, my best friend and i skipped school to hang out at the town center.


but only because we both binged really horribly last night.

and thought it was a good idea to take fucking 50 laxatives each...
actually, she only took 45, but still...
we had to be close to bathrooms all day.

the whole time, i was praying i wouldnt see my intestines smiling up at me from the toilet bowl.

i really do hope i never take those fucking little blue pills ever the fuck again.

my bf broke up with me.
technically, were "taking a break", but still, it hurts.
he's bipolar, so im hoping this is just a depressive state, and that his "time to get his life back together" won't take forever.
im willing to ride the rollercoaster with him, because i love him, and when you love someone, you fight to stay with them.
and by taking this ride, and being there for him, that shows that im worth it... right?

i wish i felt worth it.

i wish i felt anything at all really.

i shit out 5 pounds of food today, and with that went all my emotions, every feeling ive ever felt before in my life, every ounce of happiness, sadness, anger, everything.
but empty is a better feeling than having the weight of the world in my stomach, and much better than being depressed.
im not depressed.
there aren't words for this. its so much worse.
its nothing and everything at the same time.

ana is eating my soul, and im serving it to her on a silver platter.

yay for halloween!

mega binge last night, but im not 160 so its ok!
and today im starting my new diet:

one piece of candy a day.

and thats it :)